By Jason Stewart
I spent this past Christmas with my blended family in California for the first time in three years. As a child of divorced parents, I am accustomed to splitting the holidays and summers between households, yet I never felt comfortable with the parenting dynamics of my “California Family.” I just didn’t get along with my stepmother, Sheree. We had a long history of verbal disputes, avoidance, and bitterness, all of which I accepted in light of the fact that eventually I’d leave for my other home. This time, before my brother Danny and I left for California, I e-mailed Sheree, asking her advice on a number of troubling issues with my “Michigan Family,” hoping to get another mother’s point of view. Her helpful answers surprised me. I found it refreshing to finally connect on this level at the age of twenty-two and felt reassured that this visit wasn’t going to be more of the same ol’ same ol’. I learned C2 before I left and I want to tell you how it made this year different.
We finally arrive in California and I notice just how much my California brothers have changed, as well as how much they remain the same. Taylor, now 13, and Harrison, 15, still fight endlessly, get sent to their rooms for minor infractions and are basically treated as young kids, which is sometimes understandable based on their childish acts. Both Sheree and my dad seem desperate and frustrated with their lack of parenting success. After all the summers, holidays, birthdays and time I’ve spent with them, I still don’t understand this family’s interactions.
One day as we are driving back from a day of shopping, I ask Harrison about his relationship with his family. Why do his parents punish him so much? Is it fair? How could the situation get any better? All of a sudden, Harrison transforms from a bratty adolescent into a well-spoken, intelligent and insightful young man. He tells us that no one listens to him and that his mom and dad still think of him as a young child. He explains that his punishments seem unfair and that his parents appear to favor Taylor. He is frustrated with the state of his relationships and doesn’t know what to do.
Based on my experience with C2, I am sure that if Harrison were to acknowledge his feelings with his family it would open up a venue for better communication in the future. The rest of the trip, I am on the lookout for a time when everyone is together and in good spirits, hoping to start some new communication patterns in my “California Family.” The right time appears on the last night of my stay, but unfortunately, my dad is already asleep. Sheree, Harrison and I are sitting in the living room when Sheree says, “Harrison, you really need to start listening more.”
This is the time. I ask, “Harrison, why don’t you tell your mom what we talked about in the car?” He seems embarrassed and reluctant, so I state my observation, “Harrison, you seem really uncomfortable about this. What can we do to help you?” Then he begins to cry…then of course, I start crying for no good reason except that he’s crying, and pretty soon Sheree joins in. Once again, I state the obvious.
“Why are we all crying right now? This is silly!” So then we all laugh, releasing our scared, nervous feelings and continue the conversation. Harrison performs beautifully, speaking openly, articulately and sincerely. A few times Sheree interrupts trying to explain and defend her position.
“Sheree, at this point we want to listen to what Harrison has to say and acknowledge his feelings without any blame or judgment. He needs to be heard and respected for the person he is, rather than the child he once was.”
Once Sheree understands this, she becomes visibly calmer and more emotionally receptive to Harrison. Voila! Harrison is heard and it is obvious how good it makes him feel. Sheree responds to Harrison, assuring him that she loves him very much, and agrees to show him more respect by listening to what he has to say and communicating with him about appropriate discipline options.
Now it is Sheree’s turn to be heard. By this time, Taylor wanders into the room and joins the conversation. As she talks, Sheree seems really hurt but to my surprise, quite in touch with her feelings. She tells the boys that she feels unappreciated when they don’t do as she asks in regard to chores and embarrassed when Harrison makes a spectacle of her in front of his friends. By now Harrison and Taylor know to tune into what their mom says without accepting any blame or guilt.
“The kids never pick up their stuff when it’s lying all over the house. I ask them repeatedly and they still don’t do it. Why is this so hard?”
“So it sounds like the cleanliness of your house is important to you and you feel unappreciated when the kids don’t pick up their things,” I repeat back to her.
“Well, yeah. Yeah, you’re right. It is important to me and I guess I’m asking for the kids to understand that.”
Harrison and Taylor listen to their Mom and respond respectfully, saying they understand her feelings and agree to show more appreciation for her needs by picking up after themselves. The entire conversation lasts upwards of three hours and includes topics such as how Harrison treats Taylor, the bullying that goes on between them, how Sheree wants a more honest relationship with the kids, and the fact that their lying upsets her more than the situations they lie about.
The conversation exhausts us but before we part ways, Sheree and I discuss how their family can replicate this type of forum in the future. We talk about how one person takes the role of the CODE detective, trying connect without blame or guilt, observing the underlying feelings, and discovering what the person needs to feel better right now, and encouraging them to ask for what they need. We acknowledge how important it is to communicate about issues instead of letting them go unresolved. Sheree thanks me with tears in her eyes and gives me a hug while Taylor calls me “Mr. Therapist.”
To my surprise, the next morning Harrison and Taylor tell us they talked on their own and came up with a safe word so that whenever Taylor really wants Harrison to stop bullying him, he can say “Kamikaze” so Harrison knows to stop. On the way to the airport I hear the word “Kamikaze” a few times, but despite the word’s typical meaning, for me it is now analogous with successful communication. Someday I hope all families will communicate from the heart as my “California Family” learned to do.
About the Author:
Jason Stewart is a senior at the University of Michigan pursuing a degree in anthropology and a graduate degree in Human-Computer Interaction. Jason uses C2 to resolve almost any situation or misunderstanding that arises, whether with his girlfriend, family, business or in his fraternity. C2 helps him reach out compassionately to those he loves without compromising his own values and feelings. He is pictured on the opposite page while studying abroad in Greece last year.
March 2007