By Wendy Garrido

In our January issue, we discussed several principles of conscious parenting. Over the coming months, we will revisit each of those principles individually through a more in-depth discussion. This month, we focus on attention.

Every child needs consistent, individualized time and attention from their primary caregivers in order to instill a sense of importance and value for who they are in the world. Sometimes we get side-tracked with all the things we have to do and the places we have to go, forgetting what it means to be a conscious parent. We forget how important our attention is when it comes to building healthy self-esteem in our children.

In our everyday, casual interactions it’s important to pay attention to our child’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs and desires. This is what we call consistent attention, which means consistently addressing them as we go through the day. Sometimes it may be as simple as letting her choose which table to sit at in a restaurant, taking a moment to kiss a bumped knee, or responding to his questions. Giving this sort of attention doesn’t demand much time or mental effort from us and can be given frequently. It teaches our children their importance in the family and demonstrates that their thoughts and needs matter.

It is also important to spend quality time with our children during which we give them our focused, intensive attention. We may share an interactive activity with them, sit down and discuss Empowering Questions, bake a cake, or have a conversation about what’s going on in the world. Although the topics may include the world, this attention is more about our relationship with our child, as we get to know them on a deeper level and see how they are changing. Extended attention provides a safe space for our children to share events and feelings about all aspects of life on a deeper level.

Try This: Look back on the week and think of an interaction between yourself and your child where you overreacted. What feeling was behind your reaction? What fear or frustration was behind your response? In that moment, what was your priority? What did you teach your child by your reaction? Is there anything you’d like to say to them now?

We teach our children valuable lessons when we can talk to them honestly about our regrets, apologize, and explain to them that they never deserve to be treated disrespectfully. It’s not always easy being a parent and sometimes we do things we regret. When we acknowledge this, it makes it clear to our children that they are not responsible for our over-reactions, even if we react as though they are at the time. They learn that it’s okay to make mistakes, forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes and keep on trying.

How would you like to pay more attention to your children’s needs and desires in the future? Ask them if there are any things you do that make them feel unimportant.

Try This: Can you recall the last time you spent a twenty-minute interaction one-on-one with your child? A period of time free of complaints and criticisms, where you just shared thoughts and feelings, or maybe simply shared time working together on a project?

This attention asks us to be present in the moment and can happen anywhere or anytime. Maybe it’s during a long car trip, or waiting for an appointment, or before going to bed. If you can’t recall such a time in the past week, make a point to talk to your child about this. Express your desire to spend some quality time together and ask him or her for some suggestions on special activities you might do together. What every-day activities are you already doing that you could turn into quality time? Kids love to be included and when it becomes a “problem” you solve together, it makes for an empowered experience together.

Write to us and let us know how you apply these tools. What activity makes you feel closest to your child? Do you struggle with giving them the attention they need? What needs to happen for you to give them this sort of attention? Write to us at feedback@northstarfamilymatters.com

April 2007