By Sue Woodward, Prem Carnot & Wendy Garrido
Over the last few months we’ve introduced three tools of C2 Connective Communication, with communication defined as: TThe sharing of information through interactions for the purpose of understanding one another. In part one, we introduced NSFM Family Meetings, a safe format for parents and kids to express feelings and resolve conflicts, while creatively addressing what needs to happen differently, and how to achieve that goal as a family while meeting everyone’s needs.
Our next section was on The Code, a four-step strategy to peacefully resolve conflict by Connecting objectively, Observing feelings, Discovering needs, and Encouraging asking.
Our most recent issue introduced Empowering Questions, which help keep the lines of communication open and uncover issues as they arise, through the use of Downloading Days or Illuminating Questions.
The fourth, and last part, in our C2 series looks at how we can transform the messages we send our kids by examining our own communications. Unlike the other C2 tools, the Conscious Message Filter is a process contained entirely within your own person, requiring you to take the initiative, be introspective and change your habits. NSFM’s Conscious Message Filter is a tool to help us develop awareness and compassion for ourselves and others.
Throughout their lives, children construct meaning from their world, based on the messages, facts, and information they assimilate. The messages parents, teachers, and caregivers relay to children have a strong influence on how children interpret the world and the meaning they assign. As conscious parents, we must acknowledge the impact our messages, responses, and interactions have on our children’s development. The Conscious Message Filter helps us filter out the harmful or limiting messages underlying our communications.
You have one of those days when everything seems to go wrong. Suddenly your mind spouts off excuses, reasons, or blame—anything to justify your anger and frustration. Just then your six-year-old son runs over to you and says, “Mommy, will you read me a book?” You say, “I’m too busy, go find something else to do.” It’s such a simple, loving request, but your response is tainted by your momentary, negative emotional reactions.
In the above example our intended message is not to shut our child down, tell him he is not important enough in our life to respond to in a loving manner, or to deter him, even momentarily, from his love of learning. Yet, that may be the message he receives. Without awareness, our negative emotions and limited beliefs slip through, tainting our communications with disempowering messages.
As with most aspects of parenting, we tend to model the language and communication skills we learned from our own childhood experiences. What did your parents tell you over and over again by how they said what they said? Was there a phrase you heard only once, but the message stuck with you for life? Maybe the messages were nonverbal but came through loud and clear anyway. Overall, were the messages limiting or empowering? Did they make you think, “I can do this!” or “I better not”? Do you remember how you felt? Do you know what you would say to your child in a similar situation? The Conscious Message Filter focuses on eliminating the negative emotions and limited beliefs we extend to others in our communication. We may not have much control over the events in our lives, or our emotional reactions, but we can control our responses. Unconscious responses lead to unintended messages. Instead, we can consciously choose how to respond based on our commitment to empowering our children.
The vision of raising an empowered child is the motivation to use the Conscious Message Filter. If the outcome we desire is a child who is happy, self-confident, compassionate, and capable, then our job, no matter what the circumstances, is to choose a response or action that empowers a child. Often we react out of instinct or habit, blinded from seeing the choices by our negative emotional reactions. When we bring awareness into our communications, finding that space between stimulus and response, we ensure that we deliver the messages we truly want our children to hear.
The Conscious Message Filter helps us identify our negative emotions, their source, their rationale and most importantly, the implications for our children. This process helps us discover our unmet needs and choose to respond out of compassion and love. It helps us take responsibility for our negative reactions (fear, anger, sadness, blame, and guilt) and the messages we send our children. Our negative emotions are the red flags to warn us to pay attention. Once you have a negative feeling or limited belief use the Conscious Message Filter to pause the communication until you tune in to the message you want to deliver.
Let’s look at the previous example again.
“Mommy, will you read me a book?” Still such a simple, loving request, but now you pass your response through the Conscious Message Filter, identifying the negative emotional messages that you want to filter out before communicating with your child. "C.J, Mommy is really frustrated and angry right now, and not at you. How about we read in ½ hour. Take this timer, it’s set for ½ hour and when it goes off we will read.”
This message empowers your child with information, which releases them from blame or guilt. It also sets a good example for how they can take responsibility for their own anger and frustration. Make an effort to become consciously aware of that space between stimulus and response. When you’re experiencing negative emotions, use the following two-step process.
Increase Awareness
Warning Signs Of Unconscious Reactions
Use The CODE:
Connect Objectively to your feelings without blame or judgment.
Observe your negative Feelings such as anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, etc.
Discover what you Need in the moment to get back in balance.
Encourage yourself to Ask for what you need.
Or Acknowledge Your Overwhelm
If you can’t resolve your negative reactions, make sure you take responsibility for them by sharing your struggles with your child, while also reassuring him that he is not responsible for your emotions.
Take responsibility for what you say and how you say it, knowing that by bringing awareness into that space between stimulus and response, you discover choices. Step out of your unconscious communication patterns and create a new vision of empowering your relationships through connective communication. Transform stressful, disempowering and frustrating communications into fun, positive, enjoyable ones. Each day the world moves forward in ways we never dreamed possible. Each day your family can do the same. Set your intention for joy, peace, honesty, compassion, and communication. Together we can change the world.
“The newest computer can merely compound, at speed, the oldest problem in the relations between human beings. In the end the communicator will be confronted with the old problem of what to say and how to say it.”
--Edward R. Murrow
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lie our growth and our freedom.”
—Viktor Frankl, M.D., Ph.D.
May 2007