by Sue Woodward

CJ had to admit he still loved school, in spite of the fact lots of other kids didn’t seem to. He lived in a beautiful area, near Seattle WA and got along well with his younger sister and his Mom. His Dad….well, he didn’t see his Dad much, except when he visited him once a year from Michigan.

Life seemed good, until two days ago when that new kid Rubin came to school. Rubin seemed so mean--especially to CJ. It just didn’t make sense. He had never done anything to Rubin but try to be his friend. Today CJ felt sad, really sad. As he walked home from school, he thought about putting on his detective hat and figuring out how to deal with Rubin. His family used The Code to resolve arguments. First, they stated the problem objectively, without blame or judgment.

“Rubin is a jerk and it has nothing to do with me!” I guess that was a bit judgmental. Try again, he thought. “Okay, Rubin acts tough and mean.” That felt better. How Rubin acts has nothing to do with me. I only have power over my own attitude.

The next step was to state the emotion behind the feeling. CJ thought he would have to guess on this one, but it sure seemed like Rubin was angry at him. Oops. He forgot already that he wasn’t responsible for Rubin. Rubin seemed angry. There it was. Rubin seemed angry. CJ realized he had no idea why Rubin was angry and the only way to find out was to ask, in spite of how scary that
seemed.

The trees were blooming the flowers were up and spring was in the air. CJ felt better already. He took the ball out of his backpack and started throwing it up in the air as he walked, reminding himself to let go of the uncomfortable feelings associated
with thinking about Rubin. He took ten deep breaths and decided that tomorrow he would use The CODE with Rubin.

The next morning, as CJ walked to school, Rubin happened to come out of his house and practically bumped right into CJ. This was amazing! Almost as if it was planned to happen!

“Hi Rubin. Nice day, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s okay.”

“You don’t mind if I walk to school with you?”

“It’s a free country. I can’t stop you.”

“Rubin, it seems like you are really angry.”

Right then he stopped walking, threw his backpack on the ground, turned toward Rubin, staring right into his eyes.

“Angry! You think I’m angry? I am so sick of everybody telling me I’m angry.”

“Geez, Rubin, it sounds like you’re tired of everybody accusing you of being angry.”

“You bet I am. No one knows anything about what I am.”

“So, Rubin, why don’t you pick up your backpack and let’s walk to school together.”

He picked it up and they walked on, as Rubin gathered his detective power once again.

“So, it sounds like a lot of people accuse you of being angry and you’re tired of it?”

“I’m tired of everything. Last week my mom and dad got divorced and we had to move here. My whole life got turned upside down.”

“Rubin, did your parents getting divorced really upset you?”

“Yeah, it did.”

“Does it make you sad?”

“I ... sad ... I don’t know. Which is better? To have your life turned upside down or to have your parentsfighting all the time. It all makes me sad.”

“I can understand that. It makes you sad that they divorced and sad when they were together and fought all the time.”

“Yeah, that’s right. Either way, I’m sad.”

“I know how you feel. My parents got divorced too. Well Rubin, what would it take to make you feel better right now?”

“Right now? Well…I don’t know. I can’t change what’s going on with those two. I guess I’d wish that school would be easier for me. I feel like no one likes me.”

“Likes you! Rubin, you scared me! I didn’t think you cared if anyone liked you.”

“Really? Sorry about that CJ.”

“No problem. How about today we hang out together, do our homework after school and agree to leave all our anger outside of school. Let’s have a fun day at school. What do you say?”
 
“That sounds great. I’ll try, but sometimes this anger or sadness takes me over. If that happens, just give me a high five, okay?”

“Sure. I can’t tell you how much better I feel after talking to you Rubin. I let go of my fear and it feels great. Thanks.”

“Cool. I’m starting to feel like I have a friend ... a real friend. Thanks CJ.”

That was the start of what was to be a life long friendship ...

May 2007