By Wendy Garrido

Last month we focused on the Conscious Parenting Principle of Attention. This month we look at the role of Emotional Support in raising an empowered and healthy child.

As children, many of us were taught that our feelings were not relevant or important. Some of us were even taught to ignore or deny our feelings: “What are you, a girl? Stop crying!” Or: “Don’t say things like that. Mr. Jones is a very nice man!” To be a conscious parent is to realize that what we say and how we react directly impact the emotional balance of our children.

Reflect for a moment on your own childhood. When you expressed fear, how did your parents react? Did they empathize with you or criticize? What did they say? Did they leave things unsaid? Did they support your feelings or squash them? Maybe you were in a situation where your personal boundaries were violated. Did you feel free to share your feelings with anyone? If so, how did they react? How did their reactions make you feel? When you were proud of an accomplishment and expressed it to your parents, did they give you support or undermine your pride? Most importantly, what did their reactions teach you about yourself? It is easy to see from our answers to these simple questions that we learn to establish a sense of who we are from the emotional support our parents give or withhold.

When children express their emotions, they need an acknowledgment of the fact that you understand how they feel and that they are entitled to that feeling. Once we establish this empathy, the next step is to ask what they need to feel better. This helps children learn to accept the validity of their feelings and then reflect upon how to address and resolve those feelings.

“Daddy, I’m scared the boat is going to tip over.”

“Jeannie, I can see you are afraid right now and that’s okay.

What can we do to make you feel more secure?”

Asking your children for the solutions to their own reactions is empowering because it reinforces their self-discovery. When we attempt to minimize their discomfort with explanations or facts like, “Honey, don’t be scared, we’re perfectly safe; it’s a big boat and it isn’t going to tip over,” we actually teach them to bury their feelings. Our feelings, no matter what our age, are valid because they are based on our unique perspective. Perhaps Jeannie recently read about the Titanic and knows that big boats do sink. Perhaps your heart also skipped a beat at the last lurch the boat made. To tell your child not to be scared not only denies her feelings, but your own anxiety as well. Our parental attempts to reassure usually don’t address the true facts and emotions.

Perhaps your teen expresses feeling overwhelmed about the coming week. If we jump in and immediately start giving him solutions such as, “If you canceled your date on Friday you’d have more time to do your homework,” or “If you started studying earlier you wouldn’t have to cram for your test,” we have failed him in two ways. First, we did not show empathy for his feeling of being overwhelmed and acknowledge that we all feel that way sometimes. Second, by jumping in to solve his problem we demonstrate a lack of confidence in his own ability to resolve his concerns. Often the teen knows that he will make it through the week just fine, but happens to feel overwhelmed in the moment and is looking for some emotional support and encouragement.

Instead, acknowledge that you hear and understand his feelings. “Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate this week!” Then, demonstrate your confidence in his ability to solve his own problems. “What needs to happen for you to make it all go smoothly?” Once you turn the question back to your child, don’t be surprised if he then asks for your help or input. Offering suggestions when asked increases the connection between two people whereas forcing suggestions on someone who is just looking for empathy and encouragement creates more disconnect.

Exercise, deep breathing, and EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) are effective tools to help children address emotions. When you ask your angry five-year-old, “What do you need in order to feel more calm?” she might say: “I just want to sit by myself.” If she’s familiar with EFT, she might say: “I want to do that tapping thing.” Provide strong emotional support and tools for empowering your children, but remember that, ultimately, the child is the expert on what she/he needs to feel better. If your child doesn’t know or can’t answer, you might offer a suggestion, such as: “I remember last time you were angry you went outside and ran around the house two times. Do you think that might help you feel better today?”

Providing emotional support for our children is not only about acknowledging and helping them move through their negative feelings, but also about supporting them in their experience of positive feelings.

“Mom, look at me!”

“I can see you’re really proud that you learned to climb that tree. How did it feel on the way up?”

Reflecting a child’s feelings back to her is the most effective way to empathize and share emotions. Reflecting emotions and asking questions helps children develop a better understanding of how they feel and keeps the lines of communication open between parent and child. As we acknowledge our children’s emotions and help them reflect upon their own feelings and needs, we offer them practical tools to interact with the world and we empower them with experiences that teach them to trust in their ability to know and take care of themselves.

Did your parents provide you with the Emotional Support you needed? How did it affect you? What did it teach you about yourself? What did it teach you about the world? How does your past affect your parenting today? How do you give your kids Emotional Support? What’s the hardest part? Write to us at at: feedback@northstarfamilymatters.com

May 2007