by Wendy Garrido

This is the fourth article in our eight-part series on Conscious Parenting Principles. Attention ° Emotional Support ° Responsible Choices ° Independence & Community ° Good Communication °Encourage Curiosity ° Role Models

Imagine being a five-year-old child standing in a large field with your parents. You run away from them, wondering how far you can go until they call you back. They don’t call out, so you continue. Finally, they call out for you, but you aren’t sure they really mean it, so you slow your run to a walk and keep moving away. Just how far can you go before they really want you back? There is a part of you that loves to be on your own, and another part that yearns for your parents to keep you safe. Eventually, you turn around and realize that they are out of sight, without ever having followed through on their request that you return. How would you feel? What thoughts would run through your mind?

Luckily, very few parents are so lax with physical boundaries, yet many are just as lax with emotional and behavioral boundaries, which are essential for growing up with a sense of security and empowerment. We never want our children to “wander away” without calling out to say, “I care about you. You’re straying too far. Please come back.” If we call out once, and they don’t respond, we must follow through for the “I care about you message” to truly come across. Keep in mind that the purpose of setting boundaries is to enable a close, loving, mutually respectful, empowering, and enjoyable relationship between you and your child.

If your parents were especially strict or authoritarian, you might be inclined to want to give your children a different experience, one of feeling happy and free, never being told “no.” When your child does something you don’t like, you may avoid being firm and yet wonder why she ignores you when you ask her to clear the dishes off the table. Your fear of being like your parents keeps you from setting firm boundaries, an essential part of raising empowered children.

Healthy Boundaries Are Firm and Flexible

Neither the strict, authoritarian parenting style, nor the permissive, “I’ll do anything to keep my child happy” style empowers children. The happy medium between authoritarian and permissive parenting arises when we recognize that children thrive within firm and flexible boundaries. These boundaries teach children acceptable limits for their behavior, while encouraging them to consider their own needs, as well as others. Children need to understand that they don’t always get their way in life and that there are consequences to their decisions.

These opportunities for decisions build and support self-esteem by giving them practical training in acting within or out of clear and identifiable limits. The more they practice, the more they learn and develop secure, confident, and effective interactions in “the real world.” As a result, they discover how to be treated fairly, to stay true to their values, and to stand up for what’s important. These are essential lessons for children to learn in order to be able to withstand peer pressure in their teen years.

Children who are comfortable negotiating within and across firm and flexible boundaries, learn to express their needs, be responsible for their decisions, and take charge of their lives. This exploration gives them insight into who they are and how to interact in life. So, rather than accuse your nine-year-old daughter of pushing your limits, realize that she’s just being a kid! All kids grow by exploring boundaries, learning limits, navigating through rules, and finding ways to get their needs met.

CHARACTERISTICS OF HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

FIRM

Firm boundaries are secure, determined, trustworthy, and reliable, giving children a clear vision of the expected emotional and behavioral parameters.

If your two-year-old son is throwing his toy horses across the room, you might say, “No throwing in the house please. If you’d like to throw your plastic horses you can take them outside. If you throw them in the house again I’ll put them away.” Chances are, at least the first few times you set these boundaries, he might throw a horse just to see how you respond. Yes, children do test us! It’s normal and healthy and it’s our job as parents to keep the limits firm. If he throws the horses again, gather them up, put them away and say, “I’m going to put these away now because you threw them after I asked you not to. You can play with them later, when you’re ready to stop throwing them in the house. For now you can play with something else or you can help me get lunch ready.”

Consistent

The boundaries are predictable from one moment to the next. What was acceptable yesterday is still okay today, and what is unacceptable now will still not be okay tomorrow. Your child will be confused and more likely to test your limits if you tell him not to throw his toys today when yesterday you allowed it!

Logical

The boundaries have a reason for existing and that reason is understood by the child. “Anatola, when I see you jump on the couch, I feel anxious because it’s on casters and I’m afraid it might slide out from under you. Please stop jumping.” Some parents like to think that it’s okay to say, “Because you’re the child, I’m the parent, and I say so.” But the truth is that it is never empowering and only serves to teach a child to rebel, close down, or deny his feelings. Logical boundaries empower children by asking them to exercise their free will and trusting them to take into account your needs, just as they can count on you to do the same.

Consequences

Part of setting healthy boundaries is identifying and following through on the consequences if the boundary is crossed. Create a mutual understanding for what the consequences are ahead of time, ensuring that they are logical and easy to enforce. One of the best options is to ask your child what he or she thinks the consequences should be. This also gives you a good idea of their level of commitment.

Children quickly learn to identify when we are setting weak boundaries and when we intend to follow through. For example, when a mother says, “Josh, stop splashing me!” and the child keeps splashing, it’s usually because he knows she doesn’t intend to follow through on her request. After repeated splashing and complaining, the parent finally says, “Joshua T. That’s enough!” “Miraculously” the splashing stops because Joshua has learned from past experience that when his Mom uses his middle initial, she is frustrated or angry enough to truly mean what she says.

FLEXIBLE

Flexible means that the boundaries take into account the child’s unique age, situation, maturity, passion, health, etc. These boundaries teach your child that, just like in the real world, life happens, circumstances change, and exceptions are made. Yes, it’s important to follow through on your boundaries, but more important is the mutual respect and consideration shared between parent and child.

A 7 pm bedtime might be appropriate for a second-grader, but your fifth grader might want, and be able, to stay up later. Your son Jim wants to skip cutting the grass to accept an invitation for an evening of fun with Sam. The evening includes watching scary movies that will keep Jim out later than 10 pm, the time he’s agreed to be home in general. After discussion, you agree that it would work better for Jim to spend the night, provided that Jim will be responsible to mow the lawn the next day. Jim suggests that if he doesn’t follow through, he will also clean the bathroom.

Transforming Rules To Needs

Are there rules in your house or healthy boundaries? How do they compare to the rules you had growing up? Do your children respect and help create the boundaries or are you nagging, cajoling, bribing, begging, arguing, or yelling? If it’s the latter, consider this: It’s typically not the rule that’s truly important to parents, but rather the underlying need that the rule addresses. Assume that every rule in your household was created in order to address an underlying need you (or whoever created the rule) has. When you change rules to needs, you give children more room to find mutually agreeable solutions, as well as discover some interesting needs in yourself. The fact is, you are much more likely to get what you want, as well as gain insight into your true priorities when you transform rules to needs, and you are living in a compassionate way that empowers your children.

Another example: If you and your teen agreed that he would be home by 11 pm on weekend nights but there is a concert or party he wants to go to that will go a little later, it’s okay to negotiate a new time that meets both your needs. What’s truly important is to know where your son is, what he’s doing, and that he’s safe. Defining needs instead of demanding rules helps us become more conscious of why we parent the way we do. It’s impossible for a teen to come up with a solution that meets the need of “I want you home by 11 pm” other than to be home by 11 pm. But when he seeks to find a compromise that works for all, he might present other options that incorporate your needs, such as calling every hour after 10 pm to let you know where he is and what he’s up to. As always, be clear in your consequences, that if he doesn’t hold up his end of the bargain, you won’t be willing to make the compromise again in the future.

Your boundaries are not always logical to others, which is why it is important to express it as a need. If you expect your child to clean his room on a weekly basis or make his bed every day, this is a personal preference rather than some logical and universally applicable rule. You might think that having a clean room is “right” but your child knows that, at her friend’s house, things are messy and they seem to have a great family life. Expressing your needs creates room for those you love to understand and accept what’s important to you, even if it doesn’t make sense to them. Call a family meeting and discuss your family rules in terms of the needs they address. Ask your family to come up with other solutions to meet those needs.

Your children may whine, cry, pout, or even have a tantrum, especially as you begin to be more firm and consistent in setting boundaries. That’s okay. It’s our response to their reactions that truly defines our parenting style. A strict, authoritarian parent might yell, shame, or threaten a child, wanting them to stop reacting, arguing or resisting. A permissive parent might give in when the crying gets loud enough or lasts long enough. This is the time to remember the power of firm and flexible boundaries.

When your kids get upset, reflect their feelings, empathize with them, and talk about options and alternatives within a boundary that meet both your needs. “Wow, Damian. When you scream and stomp around, I can tell that you are really frustrated. I know it can be upsetting when you can’t have something you want. Later, when you are ready to play with the horse instead of throwing it, we’ll take them out again. In the meantime, I’m going to be right here in the kitchen making lunch. When you’ve calmed down and are ready to have some fun again let me know. Maybe we can even make some Play-doh today. What do you think about that?”

See your child’s frustrations as opportunities to parent consciously, teach healthy, positive ways to express emotions and resolve frustration and conflict, all while sticking to the boundaries. Boundaries are important at every age, but setting the standard with young kids is what makes raising teenagers a breeze. Firm and flexible boundaries empower children of all ages, as they develop life-long skills that influence their relationships, morality, respect for self, spirituality, respect for others, self-esteem, and self control. These are the tools for future success in school, work, and eventually living a truly rewarding life with others.

“The greatest gift I can give my children is the confidence to explore life with the knowledge that who they are is constantly evolving based on their personal boundaries and the boundaries of those around them.”
—S.J.W.

Logical boundaries empower children by asking them to exercise their free will and trusting them to take into account your needs, just as they can count on you to do the same.

Did your parents provide you with boundaries? What did they teach you about yourself and about the world? How does your past affect your parenting today? How do you set boundaries with your kids? What’s the hardest part? Write to us at at: feedback@northstarfamilymatters.com

July 2007