by Wendy Garrido
This is the fifth article in our eight-part series on Conscious Parenting Principles. Attention ° Emotional Support ° Responsible Choices ° Boundaries ° Independence & Community ° Good Communication °Encourage Curiosity ° Role Models
Our focus this month is to discuss the benefits of empowering your children by helping them establish a sense of Independence and Community. Communities exist at many levels, but the family unit is the primary influence on children. It is here that our children learn to develop social skills, solve interpersonal problems, and discover their own needs as they learn to understand others. Empowered kids experience the value of their input in the family unit, and this foundation encourages them to move their sphere of influence out into other communities, such as the classroom, sports team, a job, or a group of peers.
Empowered kids confidently voice their input, make meaningful contributions, and resolve conflict. Perhaps most importantly, they are comfortable taking a stand on their values instead of caving in to unhealthy peer or adult pressures. They believe they are worthy of success, and ask for what they need to be successful in the world based on who they are. Empowered children who develop a sense of independence and community know when to step up and steer a group towards a positive outcome as they begin to gauge the difference between personal needs and group needs.
Like many aspects of conscious parenting, the principle of Independence & Community is about finding a balance that works for your child, your family, and yourself. Cultivating independence along with a healthy tie to community interactions equips children to be capable and confident in their interactions with their world. Empowered children find a safe way to navigate through life, solve everyday problems, and identify their own needs, as well as those of others. A child comfortable with her independence learns to trust her ability to in group or peer settings.
True Story: Thirteen-year-old Ella, is at a friend’s house having a bonfire with a group of seventh-grade friends, when they bring out cigarettes and ask her if she wants to try. She says, “No, thanks, I don’t smoke.” Our unempowered picture of this situation is that her friends pressure her into smoking. Ella, however, is grounded in her own priorities and beliefs, and says, “You can do whatever you want with your body, but I know that smoking is harmful and I choose not to smoke. If you are really my friends then stop asking me, because it makes me not want to hang out with you any more.”
Empowered kids do not need peer approval to make them feel good about themselves. The kids answer, “Well, you won’t think less of us if we smoke, will you?” to which Ella replied, “I’m sorry you choose to smoke, but I’ll still be your friend.” Empowered kids are grounded in their own identity because they have had the opportunity to discover that identity, an identity that is maintained in groups, knowing how to cooperate and yet not easily compromising on their own good judgment. It is their comfort in who they are as an individual that allows them to break away from group norms, do what’s in their own best interest, and become a future role model. This is the healthy balance we want our kids to find, between taking responsibility for contributing to a community, while maintaining their own sense of independence, and being capable of disagreeing with the group if it is warranted.
Kids become confident and healthy in their peer interactions when they are treated as important individuals capable of contributing and standing up for their own needs, especially within the family, the first community they encounter. Allow your children to respectfully disagree with you. Encourage family discussions about topics where you each hold different opinions and practice respectful discussions, including areas of opposition. It’s okay to disagree and it’s important to let your child know that she is entitled to her own opinion.
When kids feel a sense of independence and community, they are willing to stand up for a group when no one else is ready to take the risk.
True Story: Lydia was in 6th grade and, one day, there was a substitute teacher who wanted the whole class to write a paper about how they acted up when only three kids were the troublemakers. Lydia raised her hand and said, “I don’t think it’s fair that you are punishing the whole class when we didn’t do anything.” The teacher essentially said “Too bad” and told them all to write. Lydia again raised her hand and said, “I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s fair and I refuse to do it.” The teacher said that if she didn’t do it she would be sent to the principal’s office. After a half hour of writing, the teacher collected the papers, counted how many there were and said, “Someone didn’t write, who was it?” Lydia raised her hand and the teacher sent her to the principal’s office. The principal listened to Lydia’s story, supported her right to stand up for the kids, and actually told the substitute teacher that she was out of line.
Empowering kids does not mean teaching kids to be respectful of all authority or elders, but rather to treat everyone with respect, while retaining the right to stand up for what they believe in. Doing things for our kids makes them dependent rather than independent. Dependency creates an attachment they will eventually break away from, which usually ripens during the teenage years and shows its face as rebellion. When kids aren’t taught to think and speak for themselves, they will rebel against authority to establish their own sense of self. Empowered kids are comfortable with thoughtful dissent instead of reactionary rebellion. They can discuss, argue, immerse, discover, research, and explore all areas of differences without feeling ill at ease, because they are used to it, they learned how from a very young age.
Kids have the right to their opinions, choices, preferences, and ideas, while discovering their unique sense of self. How we treat our kids becomes the basis for how they treat others. Each day is an opportunity for our empowered kids to reach out and establish their place in creating the community, and world, they want to be a part of.
August 2007