by Wendy Garrido
This is the sixth article in our eight-part series on Conscious Parenting Principles. Attention ° Emotional Support ° Responsible Choices ° Boundaries ° Independence & Community ° Good Communication ° Encourage Curiosity ° Role Models
Good communication is one of the most important habits for conscious parents to create. It opens the way for family members to resolve conflict, share feelings, and express their love in healthy ways. As we create the space for good communication in our families, we help our children build the habit of listening to what others need and identifying and expressing their own needs. Open, honest communication on a daily basis is the foundation of empowering kids.
Communication is about the exchange of information, and often, the information we share is about the emotions we are experiencing. Our feelings are the gauges of what is going on around us and how we relate to the world. When we’re elated and joyful, we feel a sense of connection with those around us. When we’re feeling sad, angry, or depressed, we feel separate and apart from others, as if there’s a little wall built between us. Communication helps us to acknowledge, share, and resolve our negative feelings so that we can remove the walls and barriers to maintain our natural connection to others.
Children need a safe, supportive space to share their thoughts, desires, feelings and emotions. Otherwise they may feel isolated and insecure. They need to hea what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling, and what you need so that they learn it’s okay for them to share what they think, feel, and need.
Think back upon your own childhood. Was there ever a time when your parents shut down your desire to communicate? How did it feel? Do you ever do that with your own child? How might you react differently?
We all have unique perceptions of the world we live in, and these are based on our personal experiences and how they impact us. Without good communication, we lose insight into the perspectives our children are forming, as well as the opportunity to develop a healthy and positive influence on their beliefs and thoughts.
The greatest consequence of poor communication in families is that our children transfer these poor communication skills out into the world, affecting relationships now and in the future. The communication patterns you instill in your family will influence your children’s relationships with teachers, friends, coworkers, and partners.
Every family has its share of arguments and disagreements. Good communication gives us a platform to resolve them with understanding, compassion, and love. It allows room for compassion as we discover the underlying needs of our loved ones, and, with this understanding, we dissolve the destructive dynamics of blame, guilt, and anger. When a child learns to discuss feelings and resolve conflicts at home, they become much more confident, capable, and empowered in the rest of the world.
Make time to practice communication daily by downloading your days. As soon as your children can communicate, as soon as you get home today, ask them to tell you about their day. Start off by going hour-by-hour or class-by-class through their schedule with occasional prompting as needed without interrupting. Listen for and discuss the emotional reactions that come up. Then, ask your child if he or she would like to hear about your day. This daily connection empowers parent and child alike to switch between the roles of Active Listener and Downloader, thereby teaching both sides of good communication. Downloading keeps the doors open for good communication, and establishes a habit of addressing how we feel about what’s going on in our lives—a habit that lasts a lifetime!
Life is busy and we all have lots to do, but there is nothing that is more important than checking-in with each other. Turn the TV off or chat in the car when you pick your kids up from school. Put aside the telephones, televisions, and video games. Remember, you are building the basis for trust and communication that is essential for healthy communication during the teen years, a time when many parents feel frustrated with the lack of understanding between themselves and their teens.
The rewards of healthy, happy, growing relationships keep spreading outward, empowering more and more lives along the way. Establishing a pattern of good communication is simple, yet dynamic, and, as we become more conscious and empowered in our communication, we enable others toward self-empowerment as well.
September 2007