By JoAnn Ray

Appreciative Inquiry (AI) is based on an idea that many of us are already familiar with—that what we focus upon tends to increase. Founded in the business world1, AI explores current successes and how they happened instead of focusing upon problems. Emphasizing success helps recreate the excitement and passion of those events and motivates everyone to discover new ways to make peak experiences a more frequent occurrence.

If we count the times we fail, we increase our chances of failing, but if we concentrate on the occasions when we achieved our goals, we enhance our chances of success. What we focus upon interacts with our beliefs to structure our personal reality, giving us permission to create what we see as possible.

Appreciative Inquiry is a powerful tool for empowering families, because each person’s ideas are equally considered. Focusing on what is working well helps move the group along as both parent and child contribute and explore their dreams for improving the day, activity, or their family. It can be applied to any situation between children, parents and children, partners, or with an entire extended family. Imagine the strength of focusing on what we appreciate about our partner! One of the best uses for Appreciative Inquiry in families may be in family meetings. (Read more about C2: Connective Communication Family Meetings on our website.) Asking appreciative questions helps everyone understand what is special about the family and encourages them to enjoy their best memories. There are four steps or “4 Ds” which guide the questioning process.

Appreciative Inquiry to Plan a Family Vacation

Discovery Appreciate the best of “what is.” This may be accomplished by sharing stories, figuring out what made these times special, who was involved, how it all unfolded.

Javonna and her mother, Katherina, are planning their yearly vacation with Aunt Dorie and Jav’s cousins Mikel and Jillian. Aunt Dorie just finished AI training and is leading the discussion and begins “discovery.”

“Would you guys try this new thing I learned? It might help us plan our vacation better this year.”

Everyone agrees, so she says, “Each of you think about the best vacation you have ever had. Why was it the best? What did you do, and how did you feel?”

Javonna starts out, “My favorite vacation was at the Oregon Coast. Jillian and I loved counting whales. And even Mikel and I got along and didn’t fight.”

Jillian adds, “Mmmmm…I loved the fudge at the coast. But my best ever vacation was going riding in Montana. I loved learning to ride better.”

“How about you Mikel?”

“Last year’s vacation was terrible. It rained and everybody just sat around in the cabin. I’d rather stay home.”

“It sounds like you were really disappointed, Mikel,”

Mikel nods, “It wasn’t any fun.”

Aunt Dorie acknowledges how Mikel feels and helps him refocus on another vacation. “It sounds like last year was not a good vacation for you. What was the last vacation you really loved?”

“Fishing on the lake with my friends, when we went to Copper Canyon.”

Katherina’s was a painting workshop. Dorie’s favorite vacation was hiking in Yellowstone. With so many different answers, Aunt Dorie wonders, “What now?” Remembering the AI approach, she responds to their input with appreciation. “I’m really glad we could come up with so many good vacations. Thanks for sharing your ideas and staying focused on the vacations you loved. Can we find anything common in the ones we liked? Things that we would want to dream into this vacation?”

“Everyone seems to like doing something, an activity,” Jillian says.

“The best vacations seem to be filled with doing something new, except fishing,” adds Katherina.

“And a chance to do things with people we like,” says Mikel.

Dream Make wishes. What might be? Develop a vision of what is desired by clarifying what’s important and defining the possibilities: What could it be like in the future? What is really important? Can we see that future?

Aunt Dorie moves the family to the Dreaming phase. “Pretend it is September and this year’s vacation was the most perfect vacation ever. What would you say when someone asks, ‘What did you do last summer?’”

“I’d like to say that I went trout fishing and rock climbing.”

“Oh, we rock climbed at school this year. I’d like to do that too, but to tell you about the most perfect vacation, I’d really like to have ridden horses along the beach.”

“I’d like to paint the seaside.”

“I want to rent a beautiful cottage right on the beach and see the sunset every night with a hot tub on the deck.”

Everyone has a chance to tell their wishes and there is a long list of vacation possibilities, much longer than ever before. Everyone is excited, remembering peak experiences. With all this information available now, the family has a new vision of what is possible for their vacation.

Design What is possible? Recognize what needs to happen to make past successes and visions a reality. What’s important to each individual? Set new directions.

Recognizing what is important, the family considers the new ideas and makes a mutual decision, which is a major change from the arguing last year.

“Let’s look for a cottage on the coast! Mikel can go deep-sea fishing, Jillian can ride horses, Jav can watch whales, and Katherina can soak for hours in a hot tub. We can have it all; and that would be perfect.”

Destiny Make the change.

The group begins to take the steps to make the vacation happen. They divvy up tasks. Who will figure out how far it is and how long it takes to get there? Should they drive or fly? What’s the cost of driving compared to flying? Who will look up places to stay? Who wants to see what arrangements need to be made ahead of time for any of the activities? Empowering kids to get involved in the logistics of planning helps everyone take responsibility for what they want and how they can get it.

Appreciative Inquiry helps us focus on success, accept statements without judgment, and appreciate each person’s viewpoint. It gives everyone a voice from a successful place of importance, and allows families to work together as a team, as their excitement and enthusiasm create more options than ever before. So, next time you’re faced with trying to make a decision to please everyone—maybe as you coordinate plans during this holiday season—think of Appreciative Inquiry. It’s guaranteed to make the decision making process more fun.

Let us know when you decide to use Appreciative Inquiry and tell us how it goes. Call (888) 360-0303 or e-mail feedback@northstarfamilymatters.com.
 

About the Author:
JoAnn Ray has her Ph.D. in Social Welfare. She taught at Eastern Washington University and worked in the social work field with women and children.

November 2007