By Sharon Becker

In our family, we call the bonds and closeness we share and feel “the family circle.” After all the time and effort parents devote to building a close family unit, it is difficult to experience the mixed emotions we feel when our children move into new and more independent lives, creating a change in the circle. We might experience a sense of loss and resistance as our family evolves over time. This resistance is natural, especially when experiencing “firsts” such as your child’s first day at kindergarten, the first time they sleep over at someone else’s house, the first time our child boards a bus for a school trip, or heads off to college. We all experience different situations and reactions as we release our children into the lives they are creating for themselves.

When we resist the pull, we may create interactions that put additional pressure on the circle. This resistance is often accompanied by behaviors that (perhaps unintentionally) lead parents to blame their kids for their unhappiness, which can, in turn, create feelings of guilt in the children. A sense of protectiveness encourages us to deny others access to or expansion of the circle. All our family circles can expand when we embrace the new experiences inherent in this circle of life, until one day the circle will wrap around the world.

While our roles as mothers and fathers have certainly expanded and changed over the past few decades, the “empty nest” syndrome is just one example of the wide-spread feelings that still tug at our hearts. For those of us unarmed with previously learned skills or role models to follow, the question remains, “How can I use every experience of transition as a healthy growing experience for myself and my family?

Recently, my twenty one year old son made a decision not to come home from college for Thanksgiving break but, instead, to stay and make his own first Thanksgiving with his wonderful, longtime girlfriend. While there were many reasons for this that made perfect sense and, intellectually, I understood and agreed, I still felt sad and even a bit wounded by the change. I might have easily created a response that would make the situation an issue, perhaps leaving my son feeling guilty and conflicted.

Instead, we talked openly about the situation and my feelings as we joked about letting others into the circle. I recently sent him a gift box filled with a pot holder, kitchen towel and other fun things that had a Thanksgiving theme. While I will certainly miss them, instead, I like to think about how wonderful it will feel when we can all celebrate together again. In fact, we have now expanded the circle model and adapted it to include other close relationships and friends. As the circle grows, I do my best to embrace the changes that come my way.

December 2007