By Tanessa Dillard Noll
Look for Tanessa’s article every month as she shares her experiences raising her 12-month-old son, Guy, on the tools and insights offered in our magazine.
During my pregnancy, I committed myself to fixing all my quirks and flaws. As I saw it, I had nine months to become the perfect parent. By the time Guy was born, I felt prepared and confident—but far from perfect.
Reading North Star Family Matters, I found myself making peace with my parenting abilities. Every article seemed to offer hope or solutions to everyday problems. They reminded me that we all grow with each situation, even those we see as problems. The final article in the Conscious Parenting Principles series, “Role Models,” struck a nerve. How can I be a role model if I regularly make mistakes? The article assured me that role models aren’t perfect people, but people who can acknowledge their vulnerabilities and mistakes. I am likely to pass along my best traits if I lead by example. “Be the role model that you wished you had,” I read. Role models aren’t perfect. They’re real and connect with us. Those seem like instructions I can follow!
I also found useful tools for communication in the Blame Game article. Initially, I thought, Oh, I don’t blame others. I don’t go around telling people, “It’s your fault.” But, the more I read, the more I started to see how it applies to me. I think I am responsible for other people’s happiness and I often expect others to be responsible for mine. I picked up these patterns during my childhood, when I blamed a grumpy dad or cranky sister for ruining the quality of my day. Meanwhile, my mom usually tried to make everyone feel better, even though she was powerless over the everchanging moods around her.
I learned that blaming happens even when it’s not verbalized. Sometimes I blame people with my feelings. If people pour out their stresses to me when I am riding high on a “good mood” wave, I become resentful if they rob me of my joy. They probably have no idea that I take on their distress and secretly blame them for my reactions. They need a compassionate listener, when what they get instead is a resentful one.
I also found the quiz in the article helpful in identifying my blaming patterns. Now when the baby is teething or my husband is withdrawn and wants time alone, I remind myself that I am responsible for how I act and feel. I can transcend the moods of others, even if I care about them deeply. It feels like a healthier and more balanced way to live as a family.
This reminds me of Sophie Frank, the young writer who eloquently wrote about confidence in her recent story. Not only did I feel like I was momentarily lost in the pages of a young adult novel, I felt like I was getting a true sense of what it means for a child to feel empowered. The world of conscious parenting is new to me and I’m finding that it renews my hope when I see how successful children can be if we give them the opportunities to be their best.
I was surprised to read from Gary Craig, founder of Emotional Freedom Techniques, that EFT could be used on pre-verbal infants. I wish I had known this sooner. I quickly began experimenting with EFT tapping on Guy. Once, he was tired and crying in my arms. The other time, he was crying in his car seat because he was hungry and he had dropped his bottle. Since I knew what was wrong, I stated his problem and offered my usual soothing words. He wiggled at first, which made it hard to tap on the various points. The more I continued, the more he relaxed. It has been only a few days, but I plan to continue using EFT with Guy and I will let you know how he responds. I can only imagine what he thinks Mommy is doing.
We visited a farm recently at the same time as a group of preschool children. Many of the kids appeared to be only a year or two older than my son. I noticed similarities, such as curiosity and a need to be protected by familiar adults. But, at the same time, I was awed by the vast differences, most notably the ability to communicate with words. It amazed me to hear a little girl say “Thank you,” when someone made room for her. I’m excited to think of Guy one day having an awareness of other people making choices that benefit him. I was also fascinated when the farm guide tried to address the children and they continued to talk loudly and share their excitement about the things they saw. Evidently, they haven’t yet learned to be a quiet audience. There was something refreshing in their voices and I imagined my son one day expressing his thoughts and observations with other children and adults.
As we near Guy’s first birthday, I’ve tossed and turned over how to celebrate this milestone. I consider his age and realize that he won’t even remember this occasion. Like any day, I imagine, it should be filled with things he loves: good food, room to run, lots of play, hugs, and laughter. Most importantly, this early time in his life is a celebration for my husband and me, who have made it through our first year as parents. Thank you, NSFM, for giving us the tools and support to empower our family!
About the Author:
Tanessa Dillard Noll is a stay-athome mom who lives in Belfair, WA. Before motherhood, she worked with kids of all ages as a tutor, mentor, chat room monitor and teacher. She has degrees in communications and teaching.
December 2007