By Kurt Hines
Look for Kurt’s article every month as he shares his experiences raising his three kids as a stay-at-home dad.
The holidays are a great time to take note of just how difficult it is to change our ingrained tendencies and habits. This New Year take stock of your parenting habits, including what you’d like to do differently. Change is happening all around us all the time and as our children develop at a remarkable pace, we want to evolve also. Along the way, we need to stay conscious of our emotional reactions in order to remain open and honest when we make mistakes (and, all of us do!) Think of mistakes as perfect opportunities for everyone to know where they need to grow.
We all have times when we respond to our children in ways that seem counterproductive. Why do we lapse into these unproductive techniques that we know don’t work and have consciously decided to avoid? And what about those times we repeatedly react to our children’s behavior in ways that later make us cringe inside?
This year, sit down together as a family and take stock of where each person wants to head, knowing that it takes consistent follow through to implement. You might discuss each person’s vision for the upcoming year in a family meeting. Then write them down and put them in our New Year’s Eve jar. Next year, pull them out and enjoy seeing how much your kids have grown over the year, and give yourself credit for having spent that time working on your personal vision. Here’s an area I’ll be adding to my list.
Lately, my youngest son has been getting especially upset when things do not work out the way he wants. I often take the time and energy to give him a hug, commiserate and/or talk to him about how he can feel better. Other times, I have less patience and find myself responding in the same gruff manner that he is expressing. Even when I am in a good state of mind, I sometimes snap at him because I think he should know better. Then I backtrack and try to come at the situation in a more balanced way.
If I want him to learn to deal with problems in a productive manner, I need to model those behaviors. This is obviously one of the habits I have trouble giving up. So here I am again, reminding myself that I am responsible for how I react, not him. Next time, I need to say: “I get very frustrated when I want to leave on time and you’re late. It seems to happen a lot and getting upset or angry obviously doesn’t help because I’ve tried that plenty of times. It’s not your fault if I get angry so I’d like to see how we can work this out for both of us.”
Then, when he gets upset or angry about something, I can remind him that he is responsible for handling his reactions, just like I am. Fortunately, kids learn much quicker than adults. If he can work through some positive examples with me, I am confident he will be on his way to dealing with the other frustrations that sometimes overwhelm him.
Parents and kids are constantly dealing with change. As adults, we have more resistance, wanting to hold on to things as they are, somehow hoping that resisting will help us get what we want. In fact, our resistance is a good indicator of where we need to grow and open up to the ebb and flow of life. We all need practice and encouragement, with plenty of supportive feedback, in order to change our ingrained behaviors. And, when you forget or slip up, pat yourself on the back. At least now you are aware and recognizing the difference between where you are and where you want to be, an important lesson for the journey of life.
Each year, as we look around at all the precious children in our lives, let’s give thanks and appreciation for how important the role of parenting is, as well as how important our children are to our own personal journey. Let every New Year bring new joys, intentions, appreciation and keep in mind that it’s not about what happens on New Year’s Day, but about what happens the other 364 days of the year.
December 2007