By Sue Woodward

Dear Sue,
My four year old suddenly seems defiant. If I say yes, he says no; if he says he wants cheese for lunch, I bring him cheese and he says he doesn’t want cheese. I say go get your shoes and coat on to leave for school and he says I am not wearing a coat. I am sure it is a phase, testing his boundaries, but it is a very frustrating one. Any suggestions?
J.B.

This sounds like a child who is clearly eager and ready to take on more responsibility. Are you ready to give it to him? Assign him a shelf on the bottom of the refrigerator and a shelf in a lower cupboard. Keep a few snacks, drinks, plastic plates, bowls, silverware, cups, paper towels, and a sponge on his shelves. When he wants a snack, encourage him to pick out what he wants. If (when) he makes a mess, encourage him to clean it up and ask him what he needs to get the job done. Does he want a sponge, paper towel, or broom?

Instead of telling him to go get his shoes and coat, ask him if he knows if it is cold or warm out. If he doesn’t know, ask him to open the door and check for you. Then, ask him if he thinks he would rather wear his coat or carry it today? And, does he suggest that you should wear one? Give him choices. This child is yearning to start making his own choices and to do things for himself. It might take more of your time, but it will be well worth the effort and reduce frustration as you see him stop resisting and start getting involved and creative about his life.

Dear Sue,
My niece is eleven years old and proudly talks about having babies of her own when she turns sixteen. What is going on??
A.L.

This sounds like a child who has little to look forward to in her life. Start asking her how she feels about herself. If she brings up a baby, communicate how much potential there is in a child, and how important it is to encourage a child to be all she can. Then, bring the focus back to her. What would she like to do with her life? Ask her how she thinks she is progressing in discovering her potential. What are her dreams? Help address her low self esteem, by setting up some goals for her in school, at home and with things she loves to do. Start out small and encourage her to stand up for what she would stand up for with her own child one day. Her lack of dreams and inability to see her own potential drive her to focus on the future instead of the present. Use the potential of any child to help her recognize her own potential.

Do you have a question for Sue? E-mail it to sue@northstarfamilymatters.com or write to The Sue-Lution Place, North Star Family Matters, 698 E. Promontory Road, Shelton, WA 98584 This column is intended to support readers with general ideas and suggestions, but in no way is to be considered an expert opinion or medical support.

December 2007