By Sue Woodward

Dear Sue,
My wife and I have been separated for the past five years. Our son Tom’s behavior seems to change after each visit with his mom. She gives him gifts, takes him to movies, and allows him to play with his Nintendo. I tend to spend quality time with him, trying to connect with how he feels. I feel sad that he appreciates his mom’s gifts more than the time we spend together in a healthy way. How can I turn this around? What can I do?

This is a clear test of trust and faith in what’s truly important in life. Kids are attracted to gifts and events and typically this behavior is encouraged by the parent who feels less able and worthy of connecting with the child in more meaningful ways. They compensate for their insecurity by giving objects to gain value. What you are doing is not easy, but well worthwhile. Continue to set healthy, loving boundaries with your son verbally, physically, and emotionally. Then, discuss and demonstrate the values that you are holding to and let him know why and make it fun! Ask him what he would like to do within those boundaries. Keep the healthy lines of communication open and know that, in time, he will value those things that are truly meaningful. For now, trust in the truth that gifts and objects have little value. Some day your son will appreciate the gifts you have given him. The emotional connections and love we feel and express win all the battles of time.

Dear Sue,
I love my six-year-old nephew and enjoy spending time with him very much...My question concerns how to help him learn and remember to keep his voice down in the car. He naturally has a fairly loud voice and, at his house, he’s used to talking loudly to be heard; but in the car, it gives me a headache. He tries, and we even made up a hand signal that I make when he’s loud so that he quiets down. It works for that sentence, but the next time he opens  his mouth he’s shouting again. Help!

Your question illustrates the reason for our focus on empowering kids at young ages. I might guess that this is the youngest child, who has a tendency toward impulsivity and hyperactivity. Let’s assume that one of the symptoms is an inability to manage his loud voice because he gets distracted or forgets. His life experience has taught him that he gets attention by speaking loudly. By setting a healthy boundary with him now, you empower him with an opportunity to learn the skills to figure out how to handle himself and navigate through life in the future. You can’t tell him how to figure out how to handle himself; he has to figure it out on his own, but you can give him the opportunity and the motivation.

So, get creative and let him figure out how to get his needs met (to get your attention). Make sure that you set the boundaries before you get in the car. Ask him to demonstrate his loud voice, medium voice, and soft voice. Let him know which one is acceptable and ask him if he will choose the soft one in the car. If he agrees, hold him to it. If you are in the car alone, you might warn him by telling him you won’t respond until he repeats himself in his soft voice. Then, do it. Quietly wait until he lowers his voice. It might take 10 minutes; don’t discuss anything else. If there are more people in the car, ask everyone to stop talking if anyone talks too loudly. You can also demonstrate this before you leave, by asking someone to speak too loudly and having them all practice how  they would respond. The main point is to come up with a plan that encourages him to figure out how he needs to change his behavior instead of taking responsibility for him. Instead of you trying to change his behavior, change the environment in which to help him figure out on his own how to behave. It will happen easily and consistently when you both have the intention of solving the issue instead of you trying to change him.

Do you have a question for Sue?
E-mail it to:
sue@northstarfamilymatters.com
or write to:
The Sue-Lution Place
North Star Family Matters
698 E. Promontory Road
Shelton, WA 98584

This column is intended to support readers with general ideas and suggestions, but in no way is to be considered a professional opinion or medical support.

January 2008