By Sue Woodward

Dear Sue,
My five-year-old daughter sucks her thumb on and off throughout the day. She’s heading to school next year and I’m wondering how I can break her of this habit before then.

Dear Jessie,
It’s too late to be worried about breaking the habit now. It is your daughter’s habit and she will break it when she is ready. There is nothing you can do that is loving and supportive to “break” the habit. Instead, support your daughter in helping her find the desire and motivation to stop.

Open the door to some good, healthy, supportive communication with her. Start a light-hearted conversation about it and playfully ask if she’s seen any teenagers, adults, or dogs who suck their thumb. Eventually, all kids grow out of it so have confidence that, when she is ready to stop, she will.

Help her find information that allows her to make an informed decision. Look up some articles with her on the internet or ask a doctor or dentist you know personally. Ask her whether she wants to stop and reassure her that when she’s ready she will. How would she react if someone at school made fun of her? Does she realize that sucking her thumb might affect her new teeth coming in? Share a habit of yours you’d like to break and together, come up with a subtle way to remind each other when you’re falling into your habits, for example, tugging on your earlobe. What are some alternatives you could each adopt to replace your habits? What purpose does the habit serve? Are there emotions underlying the habit? If so, how else could you address those feelings? Does she want to have something to keep her hands busy? Maybe you could help her learn to tie bracelets, sand a wood block, or knit. Let her make the decisions and set the parameters for deciding how and when to stop sucking her thumb. When does anyone give up a habit? When the personal cost of the habit becomes greater than the price we are willing to pay to keep doing it. Your daughter will discover that point for herself, in her own time. In the mean time, thank her for all the wonderful things she does and the joy she brings to your life, and know that this too will end one day.

Dear Sue,
We just found out that my wife is pregnant again (our son is 6 years old). How can we prepare him for having a new brother/sister in his life?

Oh, this is such a fun one. Ask your son if any of his friends have had a new baby brother or sister and what your son thinks of that. How does he feel about having his own little brother or sister? Spend lots of time talking about how great it is going to be to have another child in the house. Remind your son that he is the big brother, and that his sister or brother will look up to him as their leader. You and your wife can tell him how the baby is growing inside of her, and together you can explain all the details of where the baby came from to whatever level your son seems interested.

Bring a baby-sized doll into the house and set it up where the baby’s going to sleep. Ask your son if he would like to practice being a big brother and let him get the baby out of the crib, feed the baby, change the baby’s diaper, talk to the baby, etc. Explain how babies love to hear sounds and vowels, and show him how some people talk baby talk. Give your son so much appreciation for the vision that you create with him, for the big brother he will be. Ask him if his best friend ever annoys him. The answer is probably “sometimes.” Let him know that sometimes baby brothers or sisters can be annoying, and plot out how the three of you are going to deal with the baby when she becomes annoying for any one of you. Let him know that adults have to deal with their annoyances also.

Deal with the emotional reactions he might have, now, while he has both of your full attention. What do you all agree to do if the baby swings her arm and hits you in the face? What do you all agree to do if you feel angry around the baby? Who is responsible for your anger, the baby or you? Depending on where you are giving birth, he might be a part of the process, or not. If not, when you bring the baby home, I love putting the baby under my shirt, where it was last time he saw me, and letting him take the baby out with me. Start having family meetings with your son, and download your days for all three of you to address the emotional changes that a new baby has on the family. Thank your son for being the wonderful child he is, and tell him how much you are looking forward to him being a big brother. (Download our C2: Connective Communication ebook for more information on family meetings and downloading days).


Do you have a question for Sue?
E-mail it to: sue@northstarfamilymatters.com or write to: The Sue-Lution Place, North Star Family Matters, 698 E. Promontory Road, Shelton, WA 98584

This column is intended to support readers with general ideas and suggestions, but in no way is to be considered a professional opinion or medical support.

March 2008