By Sue Woodward

Dear Sue,
My seventeen-month-old son has learned how to throw things, with little discrimination as to what he picks up and where he tosses it. He throws balls, telephones, books, and blocks. Sometimes I worry he will hurt himself or others. I know he’s just discovering what his body is capable of, but how can I get him to stop?

Dear Greta,
You’re exactly right that he’s discovering what his body is capable of—in addition to discovering how gravity works and how his parents react to his actions. He’s testing the world! Instead of trying to stop him from throwing, help him learn the nuances of appropriate behavior. Even at this young age, the goal is to give him the information he needs to make his own choices rather than creating an environment that limits his choices. Your son understands everything you say, so take something hard and something soft and explain that hard things can hurt people. As you do, tap the object lightly on his hand and show him how different soft is compared to hard. Explain that sometimes it’s okay to throw soft things inside the house, but that hard things need to be thrown outside. Let him know where it’s okay to throw things in the house and where it’s not. Put some soft things that are okay to throw in one pile, and objects that are not okay to throw in another pile. Then, ask him to pick out something that is okay to throw in the house. If he picks up an item in the other pile, explain why that one isn’t okay and invite him to try again. Ask him to put all the things he can throw in the house in a special basket.

Throughout the process, set your boundaries consistently. First you might try distraction. If he throws his fork at the table, say, “Forks aren’t to be thrown at the table. Do you know what forks are for? Are they for shoveling snow? Oh, they’re not? Well, show me what you do with a fork.” If he throws it again, ask, “Would you like to stop throwing your fork or would you like me to keep it?” Finally, if he does it a third time, say, “I guess you want me to keep it. Let me know when you’re ready to have it back without throwing it.” Keep your boundaries clear and consistent, but make sure that you are encouraging decision making and providing opportunities to make choices. This time is vital for all the wonderful neural connections that he will use in making decisions for the rest of his life.

Dear Sue,
Recently my ten-year-old daughter has started lying to me. It’s usually about fairly minor stuff, like how many cookies she ate (when I know how many were in the jar to begin with), what time she went to bed at a friend’s house (when I hear differently from the parent), or that she eats her lunch at school (when the school tells me she throws it away and buys junk food). I’m concerned that it’s going to get worse. At least now I can find out or hear about the truth about these things, but in a few years, I won’t have any idea what she’s up to. How can I empower her to tell me the truth?

Dear Sherry,
This is a great time to readjust so that you can have a more open, honest relationship with your daughter before she enters her teens. All young children experiment with telling lies as they learn to distinguish telling stories from lying and whether or not it’s always safe to tell the truth. As conscious parents, we want to make sure that, from an early age, we are rewarding the truth instead of punishing the lies. That way, as they move into the teen years, these honest conversations are already a habit and they can “bounce” their thoughts, ideas and fears off of us as part of their learning process.

If your priority is to have an open, communicative relationship with your daughter, accept that you may not always like or approve of the things that you hear. The reward for listening to those topics is that you are able to discuss them and offer her support to make good choices in the future, as well as being able to trust that you know what she’s doing and where she is.

First, take a moment and look at your reactions to the things your daughter lies about. If your reactions bring up anger, frustration, or guilt in her, she is likely to avoid telling the truth. How would you have reacted if she had eaten fifteen cookies? What would you have said if she had told you she had stayed up until 3 a.m.? If she chooses to eat junk food at school, are you willing to find a way to respect her ability to choose, for example, maybe even suggesting that your family saves the money from making a lunch and let her donate it to a good cause? Are you offering a safe environment for honesty? Her actions are merely symptoms, the goal is to uncover the underlying emotions that cause these behaviors.

Next, we need to make her feel better telling the truth. It starts with using what you know to open new lines of communication. “Sometimes I mean to just have one or two cookies but before I know it, half the jar is gone. Does that ever happen to you?” “Do you like the sandwiches we’re packing for your lunch or is there something else you’d rather eat?” Acknowledge her ability to make decisions for herself and tell her that you’ll respect whatever she decides. When we stop trying to take responsibility for our kids and send the message that we trust in their judgment, they will start making better decisions and start taking responsibility for themselves.

For example, next time, before she goes to her friend’s house, you might say, “Okay, well, I trust you to make a good decision about when you should go to sleep so that you’ll feel good for your soccer game tomorrow.” And if she shows up sleepy at the game, instead of telling her what she should have done differently, ask her how her night went and whether she is happy with the time that she chose to go to sleep. Would she do it again? All of us learn from our mistakes. Be grateful that she’s learning these lessons now rather than when she’s in high school or college.

Above all, never punish her for telling the truth. When she admits to telling a lie or doing something you wouldn’t approve of, acknowledge your reactions as your own and make sure you show your appreciation for her decision to be honest. Instead of criticizing her, ask her what she thinks and how she feels about her choices and the outcomes. Answer any of her questions with patience, love, and honesty. Let her know how important it is to you to know where she is and who she is with, because you care about her.

Did you know that ninety percent of teens in the U.S. lie to their parents about where they are, what they’re doing, or who they’re with, especially when it involves drugs, alcohol, and sex? The predominant parenting styles in our society make it easier for teens to tell parents what they want to hear because it causes less commotion and stress. Lying is perceived as safer and/or easier than telling the truth. So start building safe, open, conversations today and pave the way to a future full of healthy and honest discussions.

Do you have a question for Sue?
E-mail it to: sue@northstarfamilymatters.com or write to: The Sue-Lution Place, North Star Family Matters, 698 E. Promontory Road, Shelton, WA 98584

April 2008