By Tanessa Dillard Noll
Look for Tanessa’s article every month as she shares her insights and experiences as a mom who’s read this magazine from the start.
Now that the school year has ended and I have the summer off, I thought my days would be more leisurely—like a vacation. I’d sit outside all day, sip tea, and catch up on my reading. I’d complete some projects around the house, and generally just relax without a care in the world. Instead, once again, I’m adjusting to being home full-time with my eighteen-month-old son, Guy. So far, there hasn’t been much time for reading, sipping tea, or working on homeimprovement projects! Somehow, my days get filled with reading, painting, throwing socks, going for walks, and digging in the garden with Guy.
While part of me wants to be more productive (the part thinking about the future), another part is okay with living in and enjoying the moment. Guy still seems too young to do the Engage-Aloud articles, such as “A New Earth for Kids: Living Now” (June, 2008) but I answered the questions and completed the timelines for myself. I want to get the full experience of the magazine, which sometimes means letting myself be a kid again.
When I started the Life timeline from the article, I wasn’t sure what to put between birth and death. I could insert every age I’ve lived so far, but that seemed obvious and boring. I could list my education or jobs, but I wasn’t sure those things captured my life, either. After some thought, I began with “Age 3, first typewriter,” and from there, ages and milestones came pretty easily to me. It surprised me how much I focused on my writing. I also noticed that everything on my timeline was positive. Not one painful memory had seemed significant enough to put down on paper.
My timelines for Today, An Hour, and A Minute were equally insightful. They read like “to do” lists and don’t capture the beauty of the “now” at all, such as the feeling of my son curling into me when he encounters strangers, the excitement I feel over the free magazines at the library, or the joy of discovering the flowers that my husband has picked for me after a day out. I am finding joy in my now moments.
In “Telling A Lie,” Wendy learned that her truth would be respected no matter what. I love that she knew at an early age what type of classroom environment she needed. My son, Guy, who doesn’t yet have the language skills to communicate as the children in these stories did, does fine with a few key words, phrases, grunts and gestures. But his capacity to understand and think is much greater at this stage, than his ability to communicate, or at least my ability to understand what he is trying to say. So as a parent, I can empower him by acknowledging his autonomy, creating choices and opportunities for him to make decisions that aren’t dependent upon verbalization, and letting him know that I am doing my best to support him.
In the June issue, I shared that Guy has had his share of toddler fits lately. It still amazes me how he acts out his frustrations, hitting and throwing things when he’s upset. My husband and I certainly don’t resort to these behaviors when we’re upset so I wonder where my precious child learned them. We keep asking ourselves whether it is human nature to act this way, or if it’s something we have done wrong. Much of my frustration has been centered around fears that I am not a good enough parent and that others will judge me if they see my son acting up. “The Gift Within” suggests we address our own frustrations, then listen to the child to figure out how he needs support, direction or independence.
When I think back to what could be contributing to my fears of not being a good enough parent, a couple memories come to mind. As a child, I was criticized when I brought home Bs instead of As or when I wasn’t as aggressive or fast as the other members on my basketball team. I felt as though I had done my best, but I was judged for not doing better. I learned that I wasn’t good enough. But life isn’t about being good or bad, it is about doing the best we can in the moment. Once I reflect upon and address these issues of mine, I can better focus on what my son is experiencing.
When he gets upset, I’m going to ask myself, “What was happening when he started to get upset? What am I doing for him that he might be able to do for himself? How can I empower him more in this situation?”
The other night, as I put Guy to bed, he started crying and reaching out for something. I offered him everything in the direction that he pointed and even encouraged him to go get what he wanted, but he refused to leave my arms. I offered him milk, juice, books, all the usual things he might ask for but he continued to cry and I began to get frustrated as well. By bedtime, I tend to be exhausted, too, and don’t seem to have much energy or patience left. I knew my frustration would not be empowering for either of us, and although I often forget about it, it occurred to me that I could try EFT to calm my son.
As I tapped, I said, “Even though I’m frustrated, I’m still a wonderful child.” As much as I wanted Guy to believe that, I also needed to remind myself that he is wonderful, even when he’s difficult or unhappy. By the time I reached his inner brow, his wiggles and tears turned into stillness and smiles. Shortly after I finished tapping, he fell asleep in my arms. It felt wonderful to have this tool, which I will make an effort to remember to use more frequently. It just might be that like most of us, after an active day in the world Guy needs some calming tools.
In a few weeks, we will travel to Texas to visit my parents, sisters, and other relatives. It has been over a year, since our last visit. Like many people, I often revert to my childhood role when I am around family. I tend to arrive already stressed out about how I might be received, judged, or treated. This time, my goal is to focus on the present moment. I won’t worry about childhood, previous visits, or my expectations for the future. I have learned that the more I focus on the now, the more joy I experience.
About the Author:
Tanessa Dillard Noll lives in Belfair, WA. She recently started teaching preschool part time and before motherhood, she worked with kids of all ages as a tutor, mentor, chat room monitor and teacher. She has degrees in communications and teaching.
July 2008