By Sue Woodward
Have you ever walked into the house and the other family members hardly even noticed that you were home? Do your parents know what actually happened during your day at school? Do you wonder whether your kids are acting responsibly? In today’s busy world, it’s essential to begin establishing good communication habits on a daily basis in order to keep up with what’s going on in each of our lives. Lack of every-day communication in families closes the door for the discussions that are particularly important later on, as kids move into their teen years. Good communication serves as a blueprint for a child’s successful future interactions with the rest of the world.
Empowering Questions help us stay up-to-date with our family members and maintain open doors of communication. Empowering Questions reconnect us as we tune in to where each of us is today—emotionally, physically and spiritually—as well as where we want to head tomorrow. They anchor us in love and create a safe environment for future discussions. When we can actively listen to and empathize with our children about everyday topics, they will be more comfortable confiding in us on “bigger” issues.
There are two aspects of Empowering Questions: Downloading Days and Illuminating Questions. The rapport we develop in Downloading Days allows us to ask Illuminating Questions and gain an understanding of the hidden truths that may be negatively affecting our loved ones.
Downloading Days
Downloading Days establishes the habit of sharing and listening to what’s going on in each other’s lives. Without formally setting aside time to share, we often forget to tell our family about significant events in our life (not to mention countless smaller ones).
Downloading starts from the time a child can communicate and kicks in anytime they are away from you. Maybe it is after a day at school, or just a few hours spent at grandma’s house. It might be an overnight at a new friend’s house. We never know which experiences are the “good” ones and which might be “bad” ones, so we learn to open the door to all of them, trusting that then we will have the tools we need to support our kids if something traumatic occurs. Downloading Days sets the course for our children to make sense out of their experiences as they learn to internally process and discover who they are in relation to the world.
This is an important habit to establish early on, which means as soon as your child can communicate or as soon as you get home today. Practice with your child, spouse, significant other, or whoever lives with you. Downloading Days empowers us in the role of Downloader as we share our experiences and feelings, as well as in the role of Active Listener as we pay attention and open our hearts to what others experience.
Try This: Ask your family to agree to try Downloading Days for two weeks and set up the criteria. When anyone comes into the house the TV gets turned off, the homework paused, the wash postponed, the newspaper put down until you catch up on the time spent apart. Dedicate ten minutes per person per day. Take turns Downloading and becoming Active Listeners for each person in the family, including the other kids or siblings. Make it fun and make it happen, don’t take no for an answer!
Begin each session by asking who wants to download first. Usually one person will volunteer. If not, ask someone specifically. Start at the beginning of the time spent apart and use it to jog the memories.
“Jamie, how about telling us how your day went. I dropped you off at school, and then what…”
“First I had reading, and that was fine…”
Use the schedule of classes, time or events as a means of tracking the day and finding the emotions.
“Then I went to music and that was fun. I really like playing the trumpet… Then my next class was gym. Oh, this new kid wasn’t very nice to me.”
Bring up any problems or issues that might need support or input.
“I don’t really know what to do about this kid.”
“Why don’t you tell us what he did and maybe we can help.”
After one person finishes downloading, the next person goes until everyone’s had their turn, including parents! Encourage the kids to ask you questions and help address your concerns.
Once in a while, when someone has finished their turn as Downloader, they suddenly remember something while another person is Downloading their Day. Ask permission from the Downloader when an Active Listener wants to interrupt with something relevant or an urgent, unrelated comment. You may decide to make a rule that the Active Listener should ask the Downloader for a “P.S.,” giving him or her the right to interrupt for something important. Then the Downloader has the right to agree or not.
While each person is Downloading their Days, the others are Active Listeners. Teaching our kids how to be active listeners helps them be successful in every future relationship, personal or business. As an Active Listener, pay full attention to what is being said and listen for the feelings behind the words.
“That sounds like it was frustrating for you.”
Restate your understanding of what the Downloader is saying. Reflecting back gives others an opportunity to see themselves in a different light and to discover their own areas for selfgrowth and discovery.
“It sounds like you want some help with how to deal with Pete?”
Ask short questions for clarification.
“So Carla picked you up after school, and then what?” “What happened then?” “How did that make you feel?”
Withhold your judgements and opinions.
“Yes, I understand.” “How did that make you feel?”
If you encounter resistance at the beginning, realize that this is natural if you have not previously developed this kind of rapport with your children. Ask that they at least tell you with some detail what they did throughout the day. You might be surprised by the end of the two weeks to hear some of their thoughts and feelings about life come out along the way. Appreciate it and realize this is why we Download Days.
Downloading Days opens the door to communication. The goal is to keep those doors open through the good and tough times of life.
Example: “Dad, Jimmy told me I was stupid.”
“Do you think you’re stupid?”
“No.”
“So, if you aren’t stupid, why would someone say that to you?”
“I got a better grade on my test and I think he felt bad.”
“So, what did Jimmy really do to you?”
“Well, I guess he called me what he must have been feeling about himself at the time.”
“Is Jimmy your friend?”
“Sometimes he is.”
“How do you feel about Jimmy now?”
“I feel sorry for him.”
“And what do you want to do about it?”
“I know! Tomorrow I will tell him to stop calling me names because I want to be his friend.”
Illuminating Questions
Sometimes issues come up in Downloading that aren’t ready to be discussed in a group or are too sensitive for the Downloader to openly discuss. These are times when we may need to gently reach for deeper, underlying issues. Illuminating Questions allow us to do that in a safe, nonthreatening manner.
A deep level of trust is required for children to disclose the meaningful answers that make Illuminating Questions so effective. That trust is established in Downloading Days—the mundane and repetitive daily communication that connects us to how we feel about the events that happen during the day. Ask general questions that open the door just enough for you to get your foot in. How do you feel about how you look today? How would you feel if you flunked your test? How do you feel about Casey not talking to you?
These questions stimulate discussion in areas by asking a broad question and allowing our child to give a specific response. They allow us to uncover deep-seated concerns that our loved one may find easier to keep buried. Easier does not equate with healthier! Sometimes we might learn more than we wish to hear, but to be a conscious parent is to choose to open the doors to good communication because it supports the future and establishes a life-long connection that empowers each person in the family.
We want to create a safe place for our children to express their fears, limitations, sadness, etc., with the intention of bringing to light the type of feelings that are behind future eating disorders, low self-esteem, alcohol and drug abuse, depression, etc. Go after feelings with gentle questions. How does your daughter feel about her looks? How does Johnny feel about himself in school? Downloading Days opens the door and Illuminating Questions lead us right through into the sanctuary that is our children’s inner thoughts and feelings.
Illuminating Questions are what we use when our daughter looks in the mirror and says, “Mom, do I look fat?” Regardless of how we think she looks, the goal is to discover and discuss the fears and insecurities that lie beneath her question. We want to keep the flow of conversation open for discussion rather than changing the subject or denying the concern with a response like, “Of course not. Don’t be silly.”
The goal is to help bring the feelings out into the open as we encourage self-discovery through communication. When we can openly discuss things with our children we can better gauge the level of concern that the discussion warrants. This keeps us from overreacting to something that our child considers minute or from passing over something that is of significant concern.
How Do You Feel About School Today?
Example: One day my daughter came home from school and we started our normal downloading of the day by asking “How was school?” She started at the beginning and as she moved to her music class, she informed me that she wanted to quit playing the flute. I remained calm and reminded her that we had agreed she would try to turn the situation around for two weeks before deciding to quit. I started asking Illuminating Questions.
“How do you feel about playing the flute?”
“Terrible. I hate it.”
“You liked it last week, what happened?”
“Well, I don’t know how to read music and all the other kids do. The teacher won’t show me.”
“So, maybe if you understand how to read music that might be a good first step.”
“Okay, but how?”
We looked online and learned together the basics of reading notes. She picked up on it quickly—faster than I did! The next day she came home from school and said, “Listen to this.” She played a couple of simple songs from her music book and radiated from the inside-out. None of us want to fail, so teach your kids to take the extra steps until they succeed.
Empowering kids is about helping them build their selfesteem from the inside-out, based on their own process of sorting through internal experiences and perceptions. When a child seems to be struggling, or out of balance, we encourage them to state their observations about the situation without blame, express how the situation makes them feel, decide what they need to feel better about the situation, and help them take action by asking for what they need. We encourage them to expand their sense of self in the world.
On a Scale of 1-10, How Do You Feel About Yourself? Your Mind? Your Body? Your Spirit?
Example: I wanted to address the extra weight my daughter had gained in the past year. I knew it bothered her but the last thing I wanted to do was make her feel judged or more self-conscious. Three months ago we started doing the Daily Downloading so I started asking her some Illuminating Questions this time.
”Karen, on a scale of 1-10, 10 being great, how good do you feel about school?” She answered as I expected.
“Mom, school is going great. I like my classes and am doing well.”
With that, I could move into the next phase.
“Great. On a scale of 1-10 how do you feel about yourself?” I saw tears come to her eyes, but I just waited.
“I feel pretty lousy, I guess.”
“Why, Karen?”
“Why? Isn’t it obvious? None of my clothes fit. I’m the biggest girl in my class and I feel fat, that’s why!
“So, you feel lousy because your clothes don’t fit and you feel fat?”
“Yes.”
“You sound really sad about this.”
“I am. I’m miserable.”
“What do you need to happen today to feel better?”
“Today? Well, I don’t know. Do you think I look fat?”
“Karen, I think you are beautiful. But this isn’t about me, this is about you. What do you need to happen today to feel better?”
“Mom, would you start walking with me after school?” It was only a baby step but I could feel the tension leave as we started walking and talking, opening the door to her fears.
Helping our kids means letting them discover themselves through their own process of sorting through feelings and facts to make sense of the world as they see it. Using Illuminating Questions helps evaluate feelings without guessing or putting words in someone else’s mouth. When we provide a safe environment for expression, the issues that affect our loved ones come up when they are ready to deal with them, rather than when we think they should, whether that person is an adult or a child.
Example: One night I was at a party, happily chatting empowered-kid philosophy with a psychologist I’d just met. As we talked about the importance of expressing ourselves and having our needs met, we both focused on Caleb. Caleb was a gentle, sweet, twenty year old we both knew standing several feet away from us. He had a beautiful, exotic, sculpted face offset by hot-pink chunks of hair standing straight up, decorated with tattoos scattered over his body, each appendage pierced and linked together with a chain, all dramatically set off by his black wardrobe. We figured that Caleb dressed in this manner in order to declare his independence and express himself.
I said, “Let’s go ask Caleb if we are on track.” So we asked him how he felt about himself while growing up. Imagine our surprise when he said, “If I had been able to create my own reality and identity along the way, I wouldn’t have the need to do this now.” He went on to explain how locked-in he felt as a child, and now Caleb could only “feel” by the pain of a piercing or the thought of some other extreme behavior. He never learned to connect with who he was internally. When we asked Caleb an Illuminating Question, we invited him to take a new perspective on his life. Not only did we have a better understanding of why Caleb made the choices he did, but so did Caleb.
When we are concerned about something in our children’s lives, whether it’s their behavior in the family, performance at school, or unhealthy eating habits, Illuminating Questions offers a framework within which to address those concerns without criticism. It works with anyone, anywhere. The results are dynamic and meaningful because they are experiential insights from the person we love.
As conscious parents we can recognize how easy it is to get stuck in our own ruts of non-communication, reaction, depression, anger or sadness. Use Illuminating Questions to create the habit of good communication within your family and create the parent-child rapport that’s necessary for Illuminating Questions to be effective when the need arises. By truly connecting with those we love, we can help each other move through our negative feelings to a more balanced place. What a wonderful gift for the family!
August 2008