By Wendy Garrido
Family Meetings are a safe format for parents and kids to express feelings and resolve conflicts, while creatively addressing what needs to happen differently, and how to achieve that goal as a family while meeting everyone’s needs. There is nothing more powerful than giving a person the right to call a family meeting when they have an issue or concern. Kids learn to figure out each other, parents, strategies, reoccurring behaviors, as well as how to resolve conflict in healthy, productive ways.
The everyday emotional stress that accumulates over time dissipates when we address concerns on a regular basis rather than letting them build up into emotional chaos held within or released on others. Family meetings teach kids to take responsibility for their own feelings and reactions, as well as teaching them not to take responsibility for the feelings and reactions of others. They exercise their emotional intelligence during family meetings, and begin to understand that each person plays an important role in the resolution of issues as we support each other in finding ways to address our concerns. Involving children in family meetings helps kids figure out how to solve issues for themselves and others. They discover that making decisions can sometimes be challenging, but finding a solution that meets everyone’s needs is worthwhile, even if time-consuming. They see that compromise is a necessary part of life. More importantly, they learn that they are important because their feelings, needs and words are heard. They also learn to respect others’ thoughts and feelings because they see that their thoughts and feelings are considered. They are equal partners in making important decisions and become responsible for those decisions.
Family Meeting Guidelines
It’s essential that all of these guidelines be incorporated into a family meeting. Each one of these is essential to contributing to the equal empowerment, the productivity of the meeting, or the connection between members of the family is undermined.
Anyone can call a meeting for any reason. As part of the consensus-based process that family meetings are, anyone, child or adult, can call a meeting, for any reason, whether it’s in regard to a daily annoyance or a life-altering announcement.
Family Meeting Guidelines
It’s essential that all of these guidelines be incorporated into a family meeting. Without a single one of these, the equal empowerment, the productivity of the meeting, or the connection between members of the family is undermined.
Give everyone equal respect and equal say in the process and decisions. Even if one person is younger or has less “life experience” than another person, their thoughts, ideas, and opinions are held as equally important and valuable.
Respect each person’s input. Even if you disagree with someone’s ideas or perspective, know that they are entitled to their opinion just as you are entitled to yours.
Let each person finish talking. Interrupting others sends the message that the person or their ideas is unimportant. In a family meeting, each person gets their turn. If one person has a tendency to speak for a long time and it bothers others, you might have a family meeting on that topic to brainstorm ways to address their concerns by setting time limits, taking turns, etc. Avoid using words such as can’t, won’t, don’t, shouldn’t, no, and not. When we challenge ourselves to find alternative ways to speak, focusing on what we can do instead of what we can’t, we open the door for new possibilities. Sometimes these words are so ingrained in our way of speaking that it’s fun and helpful to make up a word or sound (such as saying “Beep!”) when we hear someone saying one of these words. Focus on what we want to see done differently in the future. The amount of time we can spend rehashing the past is unlimited. It’s often easy for us to point out what we don’t like, but it’s much more useful to let others know what we do want to have happen in the future.
Communicate until everyone feels that their concerns and needs have been addressed. Addressing conflict is sometimes challenging and it often feels easier to just ignore the problem, or ignore the input of someone who disagrees with the majority. But if we truly seek healthy families and empowered kids, it’s essential that we continue to engage in dialogue until every person in the family feels their concerns have been addressed. If there is a time factor, or if the conversation seems unproductive, you might express how important it is that the conversation continue and agree upon a time to resume discussions.
Family Meeting Agenda
A Family Meeting Play
Characters and Ages,
Jessie, age 8
Aiden, age 5
Peter, age 10
Dad
Mom
Narrator, ageless
Dad: Hi everybody. I’m back from my jog and I’d like to call a family meeting.
Aiden: Me too!
Jessie: Okay everybody. Dad and Aiden want a meeting. I’m ready!
Peter: Can we meet later? I’m busy working on a project right now.
Jessie: Peter, how about you quickly get to a good stopping point? Dad seems pretty frustrated.
Peter: [with a slight sigh] Okay. I’ll be right there.
Narrator: They all sit down in the living room.
Aiden: Who wants to lead the meeting?
Jessie: I will! Okay, Dad and Aiden wanted a meeting.
Aiden, is it okay if we listen to Dad first since he called the meeting and then you?
Aiden: Sure.
Jessie: Okay, Dad, did you have a comment or suggestion you’d like to make?
Narrator: Dad has been frustrated lately because the other family members have left their shoes all over the house. While nobody else in the family has even paid attention to where their shoes are, he feels like he is always cleaning up after them. Dad: It’s important to me that we keep the house neat and lately it seems shoes are left all over the house. So would you guys be willing to put your shoes and roller blades away as soon as they come in the house?
Jessie: Does everyone agree with this? Do we agree to put our shoes away as soon as we get home?
Aiden: Yes.
Peter: Sure.
Mom: Sure.
Jessie: Well, I have a problem. I like to keep my shoes on for a while when I get home. I guess that’s usually why they end up in the dining room, because I take them off as we’re eating dinner.
Peter: Does anybody have any ideas that could work for Dad and Jessie?
Jessie: Hey, Dad, would it be okay with you if I kept my shoes on when I got home and I will try to remember to put them away when I take them off? In case I forget, the second someone reminds me I will stop what I am doing and go put them away. How’s that?
Dad: (frustrated) Jessie, I asked you seven times last week to put away your shoes and you still only put away one pair and left your roller blades out.
Peter: Dad, you’re focusing on the past. Can we stay focused on what we want to see different in the future instead of blaming or criticizing?
Dad: [muttering to himself] Well, I’m the one who set up these darn rules in the first place…okay…Jessie, I would like some assurance that you will clean up your shoes the first time someone asks.
Jessie: Dad, It sounds like you are really frustrated and I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t realize that it was so important to you. Now that I know that it’s this important, I can make it a priority.
Aiden: Hey Jessie, what if you agree that if you don’t put your shoes away the first time someone asks, you’ll give me one of your Pokeman cards? Whichever I want?
Narrator: Jessie’s a little worried about the thought of giving away any of her Pokeman cards. Jessie: I’d like to find a different solution.
Peter: Jessie, it sounds like your Pokeman cards are really important to you and Dad’s request is important to him. You don’t have to give away a Pokeman card as long as you remember to do what you promise.
Jessie: Dad, does that work for you? I promise to do my best to remember to put my shoes away, but if I forget, you’ll remind me, and I promise to do it right when you ask because I definitely want to keep all of my Pokeman cards.
Dad: Well, I know how important your Pokeman cards are to you, so how about we try it and see how it works. I’ll count on you doing your best.
Jessie: Okay. Sounds fair. If I forget I’ll do it as soon as anyone reminds me because I want to keep ALL of my Pokeman cards. Okay, so we’ve all agreed to put our shoes in the closet as soon as we get home, except for me, because I’d like to keep them on a bit longer. I’ll put them away later when I take them off, but if I forget and don’t do it when someone reminds me, I’ll give Aiden a Pokeman card of his choice. Dad, do you feel we’ve addressed your concern?
Dad: Yes. I feel better.
Jessie: Aiden, what was the comment or concern you wanted to bring up?
Aiden: (tears in his eyes) I want people to stop teasing me about not wanting to eat meat.
Jessie: So, Aiden. It sounds like you feel really hurt when we tease you about being a vegetarian because you want your choices to be respected, is that right?
Aiden: Yes, hurt and angry.
Jessie: Okay. Aiden wants people to stop teasing him. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions?
Peter: I think that’s fair but sometimes you like being teased when we are playing around. You even tease us about eating meat so how are we supposed to know when you have had enough?
Mom: What if you had a special word you used when it stopped being fun and started hurting your feelings? Would that work, Aiden?
Aiden: Maybe, but what word?
Jessie: Aiden, why don’t you think of the word or phrase. Then whenever you start to feel sad or mad you can say it, but only use it when you’re serious.
Aiden: How about when I say, “I mean it?” If I say, “I mean it” even though we might be teasing or playing around, that means to really listen and take me seriously.
Jessie: Does that sound okay with everybody?
Peter: That sounds fine but how about “I mean it” works for everyone, not just Aiden? When any of us is feeling things are going too far, we can say it and the others will stop.
Dad: That sounds good. So if I tell Jessie to put her shoes away from under the dining room table and she says she’s busy, I can say, “I mean it” and she knows that it’s important to me.
Narrator: Everyone agrees.
Jessie: Okay, we addressed Dad and Aiden’s concerns, would anybody else like to bring up a comment or concern?
Mom: Well, I have one thing. I would appreciate it if each of us would turn off the television when one of us comes home or into a room.
Jessie: Okay, does anyone have any comments or suggestions?
Peter: Well, how long do we have to turn it off? What if there’s something good on? And are you going to do the same when you are watching 60 Minutes, Mom?
Mom: I think we can turn it off long enough to make a connection with the person, find out how their day was and how they are. Then we can ask if they mind if we finish watching our program. Each of us is more important than what’s on the TV. And yes, I will turn it off, too, if someone comes home while I’m watching TV.
Aiden: But what if…like last night when you got home, I was watching my favorite movie on TV and it’s only on once in a while and you got home right after the advertisements and it was just getting to the good part, then what would I do? Jessie: How about if once in a
while, if we’re in the middle of a show or movie or something that’s important to us, we say, “Is it okay if I finish this, or wait for
an ad, and then we talk?”
Dad: I think that’s okay as long as it doesn’t happen often.
Peter: Okay, I guess that’s alright.
Jessie: That sounds good. So, we all agree to turn off the TV when one of us gets home or comes in the room.
Peter: Yes, but if it’s important we can ask for a delay.
Mom: Sounds good. Thanks. That’s all for me.
Dad: That’s all for me too.
Peter: I’m heading back to my roller coaster.
Aiden: I’m done!
Jessie: Me too, so the family meeting is over!
Narrator: Jessie pounces on Aiden and starts a wrestling match that Peter and Mom soon join.
It’s often easier to resort to authoritarian methods of parenting but choosing families meetings instead is one of the most important things parents can do for the long-term well being of their children. Empowering our children to stand up to family pressure, questions, injustices, or concerns gets them familiar with standing up to peer pressure, to question injustice, and to think for themselves out in the world.
August 2008