By Wendy Garrido
An Engage-Aloud TM Activity For Parents & Kids
Every time you encounter a ∞ sign, be sure to give your child all the time s/he needs to think about the question and discover his/her own, unique answers.
Kim’s father says, “Kim, I thought I told you to take the trash out this morning? Don’t you ever listen to me? Why do I always have to remind you?”
There are four ways to receive a negative message. The first two come from our HUMAN reactions. The second two are based on connecting to the BEING part of us.
Which way do you usually react to things that people say? ∞ Do you react differently to different people? ∞ Why do you think that is? ∞ Which way do you think is easiest to respond? ∞ Why? ∞ Which way would you like to respond in the future? ∞ How might Kim respond to her dad in each of these ways? ∞
Healthy communication like the last two responses brings us together, helping us understand the reasons people say or do what they do.
But it’s not always obvious how someone is feeling because the true message they want to convey is garbled up between judgements, blame, and criticism. To understand one another we need to learn a new way to communicate, to use the CODE in order to understand the true message. Instead of wondering why someone treats you poorly, become aware that you are not responsible for how others act and react. Instead, the CODE teaches you to listen, discover, support, and uncover the feelings and needs that lead people to act in unloving ways. We do that by being compassionate and openminded, knowing that their emotions, reactions, and behavior is about them, not about us.
The CODE is based upon NSFM’s interpretation and representation of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., as an easy way to introduce the foundations of NVC into families with young children. It can be understood and used by anyone. Once you begin to understand it, you realize that as a CODE detective, you have the power to decode the scrambled communications we often find in life. We stop disconnecting and discover how to truly connect with others.
The CODE empowers children and adults with the message that we are ever responsible for anyone else’s emotions. With this knowledge, we can investigate and uncover the true motives behind the angry or hurtful words people may say. It is a tool that guides you to the PLACE we all want—that PLACE of Peace, Love, Appreciation, Compassion, and Empathy. We take anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, or any negative emotion and discover the unmet needs behind those feelings. Many of us have learned to identify our feelings but often the expression of those feelings gets clouded by blame and judgement. We’re not able to connect to our own needs and instead put our ex-pectations on others to “make us feel better.” We lose our personal power and expect the reactions and actions of others to bring us to that PLACE of Peace, Love, Appreciation, Compassion, and Empathy, which is truly an internal experience, not dependent on what happens outside of us.
The CODE’s four-step process of investigation helps you reach out to others with compassion, love, and understanding, no matter what is said and in spite of our differences.
The 1st step is to Connect objectively and listen without judgement or evaluation as you state the issue.
The 2nd step is to help the person Observe their feelings, moving away from “thinking,” blaming, and generalizations, to absolute feelings of sad, angry, anxious, afraid, etc.
The 3rd step is to help the person Discover what they need to feel better right now, something most of us never explore, as we are too busy arguing about what we want someone else to do.
And, finally, the 4th step is to Encourage asking for what they need without any expectation of getting it.
The CODE works anywhere, with anyone, even if the other person knows nothing about it! The reason it always works is because it depends on the only things we truly have power over—our own choices, thoughts, and actions! Kids can use it at school. Parents can use it at work. Families can use it at home.
The more we use the CODE, the more natural it feels and the more effective we become at understanding others, as we are empowered to take responsibility for our own actions.
CODE CLUES
CODE Detectives be on alert for these clues!
The CLUES for a CODE ALERT are any words, actions, reactions, yelling, tears, facial expression, or tones that convey feelings of:
Quiz
Put on your detective hat and identify whether the following statements are objective observations, or whether they are judgements/evaluations.
Answers
Whenever you hear these clues, think “CODE ALERT! There is a miscommunication in progress!” because you know you are never the reason for someone else’s anger or unhappiness, even if they tell you that you are! Underneath all negative emotions are the hidden needs of others, needs that they aren’t even aware of. Needs that CODE detectives can help them discover. Remember, we all want to get to the same PLACE and the clues alert you to the fact that the PLACE we all want to get is about to be stolen! So, put on your detective hat, pull out your emotional magnifying glass, and start your investigation to uncover the truth!
Now, as a CODE detective, can you remember what clues you are looking for? ∞ Those clues are the same no matter whether they come from kids, parents, teachers, friends, bosses—anybody!
The CODE’s four-step process of investigation helps you reach out to others with compassion, love, and understanding, no matter what is said and in spite of our differences. We want to express how we feel without blame or criticism. We want to hear how someone else feels without hearing the blame or criticism.
The 1st step is to Connect objectively and listen without judgement or evaluation as you state the issue. Removing the judgements from your observations means you take yourself out of the picture and simply convey what you see or hear.
The 2nd step is to Observe feelings, again, moving away from judgements and thoughts. Our language makes it easy to confuse feelings with judgements. In the English language, we often say, “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” and then go on to finish the sentence with a judgement, never even getting to our actual emotion!
For example, we might say “I feel like you think I’m just your puppet who should do whatever you say.” Remember from step 1 that we’ve got our feelings mixed up with our judgements. One way to be sure we are talking about emotions is to avoid using “like” or “that” after “I feel.” When we do this, we are forced to connect to how we actually feel. So when you hear someone else say “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” remember that it’s a clue and it’s a good time to be using the CODE. Then try and help the person figure out the emotion behind that judgement. We might end up with “I feel frustrated,” “I feel disappointed,” or “I feel sad.” When we are able to let go of the judgements and convey our feelings, those around us are much more likely to be willing and able to understand what we want to communicate.
You might say “When you said ‘I wish you would just leave me alone,’ I felt sad.” Instead of “It was rude of you to say that to me.”
Or, you could say, “When you agreed to pick me up at seven and then didn’t get here until 7:45, I felt angry.” Instead of “I feel like you’re never on time.”
The 3rd step is to Discover the needs or values underneath the feelings. All HUMAN BEINGS share the same needs such as:
When we can express our feelings and needs clearly without blaming someone, they are more likely to be able to empathize with us. We are often so focused on the person saying or doing what we want them to in a given situation that we lose sight of the broader need we are trying to meet.
For example, Chad tells his seventeen-year-old son, Ryan, that he has to be home by ten o’clock. What’s important to Chad (his underlying need) is to feel relaxed, knowing that his son is safe. Ironically, if they get into an argument because Ryan wants to stay out until 11:30, Chad is so stuck on his ten o’clock deadline that he’s lost sight of his needs. First of all, Chad isn’t feeling relaxed as he argues with Ryan, and secondly, even if they end with an agreement that Ryan will be home by ten, Ryan may not necessarily be more safe. He might drive recklessly on his way home, partially to meet the curfew, partially because of his pent-up feelings of frustration about not having his own needs (for independence, responsibility, or trust) met.
When you’re helping someone uncover the need, we translate what they say with empathy, as we try to restate the feeling and the need we hear underneath it.
“I can’t stand it when my teacher tells me to stop talking when I wasn’t even the one talking.”
“Do you feel angry because it’s important to you that people be treated fairly?”
“I’m not really angry, I guess it makes me kind of sad because I’m actually trying to pay attention but I get in trouble.”
“Oh, so you’re sad because you’d like some appreciation for the fact that you’re trying to pay attention?”
“Yes, that’s it. It doesn’t really bother me that she gets confused about who was talking, but I just wish she knew that I actually cared about what she’s saying.”
Keep putting the feeling and the need together until you get a yes.
Finally, the 4th step is to Encourage asking for what they need without any attachment to getting it.
Here we want to figure out what the specific request is that could help meet our needs. Sometimes we assume that people should know what we want them to do, but remember what happened with the peanut butter and jelly sandwich? It’s always helpful to be specific.
The difference between a request and a demand is less obvious than you might think. Sometimes we think that if we ask in a nice way or say “please,” we’re making a request, but that’s not necessarily the case. When we make a true request, we want the person to do it because they want to do it, not just because you want them to. The way you can tell the difference between a request and a demand is by how the person who’s asking reacts if the person doesn’t fulfill the request. If they are able to respect the person’s choice without resorting to anger, blame, etc., then it was truly a request rather than a demand.
So what might you ask for from your teacher?
“I guess I could ask Mrs. Jamison if she would be willing to take the time to ask us who was talking before she gets mad at us. I could also let her know how hard I try.”
Example: Carey was working on her homework, and having a tough time understanding her math. When her mom got home from work, she asked, “Mom, would you help me with my math?”
Her mom said in an annoyed and angry voice, “Carey, I have too many things to do. Why can’t you ever do anything by yourself?”
At first Carey felt hurt and sad. It seemed like it was her fault that her mom was mad. Then she remembered that she was never responsible for someone else’s reactions. So Carey found her PLACE and put on her detective hat.
Step 1, Connect objectively. “Mom, are you feeling angry?”
“No, I’m not angry, I’m just frustrated. I get home from work and you want me to jump in and help you. It seems like we go through this every week!”
Carey noticed the blame her mom was sending her way and remembered that she was not responsible for her mom’s frustration. She knew that was just another clue that she was on the right track by using the CODE.
Step 2, Observe feelings: “Mom, so do you feel angry because you’ve had a rough day at work?”
“No, work was fine. My back has been bothering me.”
“Oh, so you feel frustrated because you don’t feel well?” (Keep going until you get a yes.)
“Yes, I’m sorry I was so crabby. I think I’d like to go take a quick nap.”
Step 3, Discover needs.
“So, you’d like to take a rest and hopefully you’ll feel better when you get up? Is there anything else that would help you feel better?”
Step 4, Encourage asking. “Thanks for understanding. Would you mind making some soup and sandwiches for dinner, and then I’ll help you with your homework?”
“Sure, no problem.”
“Thanks, Carey. Sorry I was so short with you.”
When we use the CODE, we begin the process of uncovering the feelings and needs behind emotional and verbal attacks, allowing us to interact with others in compassionate, loving ways. How we feel in the moment is how we feel--it’s important to acknowledge those feelings, however illogical or inappropriate they may seem. What we feel and what we need is personal and unique for each one of us. It is based on our past experiences and how connected we are to the BEING part of us. With the CODE, we are learning to stop acting on those feelings and instead transform our feelings into a request to help meet our needs. A person has the right to feel however they feel, they just don’t have the right to take those feelings out on others. But even if they do take their feelings out on you, it is your job to make sure that you don’t accept responsibility for their feelings. Instead you can empower others by helping them uncover their needs, so they can find ways to meet those needs and shift their emotions.
Typically the people we interact with are much more important to us than the things we argue about, yet these interactions build walls between us. You may truly love your sister, but fight with her nearly every day over things that could easily be replaced. These veryday fights keep many of us from truly connecting with those we love, and all too often something happens that makes us regret that loss of connection. The CODE empowers us with the emotional foundation and language skills to understand and support those we love, by discovering their feelings and needs. When we become more aware of the messages we and others are sending, we have a much better chance of getting our own needs met. We learn to give from our heart with trust, and we transform our relationships.
And, the CODE works even if the other person doesn’t have a clue what it is! Uncovering the clues to how someone feels, in spite of hat they say or do, and reacting with understanding and compassion is the path to peace in the world.
Empowered kids and adults know that they are never responsible for someone else’s reactions. Instead, they take full responsibility for their own feelings and actions, finding their PLACE in each moment of life, no matter what happens around them.
CODE detectives move closer to their PLACE instead of accepting fear, guilt, shame, blame, coercion, threat or punishment. Instead, we connect with healthy, conscious choices that empower our lives, and the lives of those around us.
We work together to empower ourselves as the detective as well as the other person! Because behind every action there is an unmet need. We are each doing the best we can given our unique life experience. We are there to help them find their PLACE. After all, the people we argue with most are usually the ones we love the most!
As the fast pace of the world moves us to pay more attention to the NOW, we discover a new way of interacting in our lives. The CODE helps us discover the power that connects us all, knowing that whoever we are, we are HUMAN BEINGS with the same needs, each trying to create our PLACE in the world.
Create a vision for Connective Communication in your family, extending it to every person as you reach out with an open heart. In doing so, you’ll find you have a much better chance of creating your PLACE, and changing the world, one person at a time.
August 2008